O to grace

I want

2012-01-29T20:06:00.001-05:00

to stop being a know-it-all.

AT LEAST I TRIED

2012-01-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

Maybe some day, I will look back on my life now and think, boy oh boy, I was dumb then.

But I hope my next thought is, at least I tried.

Enough is enough

2012-01-05T20:30:00.000-05:00

I like to think of myself as a tenacious person. I can stick with something even when it gets tough. I tell myself that I never want to not do something just because it is difficult.

Times when I have toughed it out:

Counseling at Wildwood
The Semester of Death 2010
College

Persevering through difficulty often makes you stronger, smarter, wiser.

But sometimes, no matter how much effort you put into your job, it will never be worth it. And sometimes, sticking with it means that you miss the opportunity to change for the better. This is when you need to say enough is enough. I'm out of here.

Examples of when to say enough is enough:

Abusive relationships
Terrible stories you hear about human rights violations that occur while people stand by and watch.
Joe Paterno when he found out about Jerry Sandusky's abuse
When banks routinely made loans to people who would not be able to repay them prior to the 2008 crash

I'm in a place right now where I have the choice to stick it out or step aside. Whatever I choose, I hope that I do so with the wisdom and the courage needed to act when it is time to say enough is enough.

In school today

2011-12-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

Some days, I feel like my students are on the verge of mutiny. I have encountered a new disciplinary issue nearly every week this last month.

Three of my girls fought today. There was shouting, insults, head shaking and hand waving - nothing physical, thank goodness. I showed up in the middle of it and convinced the two "wronged" students to leave the room and take a break, and sent the other girl to see the vice principal.

I visited the vice principal afterwards and we worked out how to follow up with each of them. When we were done, he said, good job Ms. D. You get an A.

To hear that he thought that I did well...that felt good. Especially since I have this fear that when my students act out, it is secretly my fault, in spite of my best efforts to run an orderly classroom.

And that encouragement helps me to remember that most of my students are respectful, hardworking, lighthearted, and willing to learn in spite of the obstacles that they may face.

White Blank Page

2011-12-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

This is the song that has been in my mind for the last two weeks.

I love music that not only sounds good, but that resonates with who we are.

Emotional Abuse

2011-12-13T12:30:00.002-05:00

The Her.menutics blog posted an interesting article today about emotional abuse. It must be a theme, because a week ago that I read a three-part article on crosswalk.com titled "The Unraveling of a Christian Marriage."

I highly recommend both.

Main ideas:

Emotional abuse is a person's quest to dominate their partner using insults, emotional manipulation, intimidation, control of finances and time, threats of violence, etc.
The problem in these relationships is not that one partner needs to "submit" to the other. The problem is that the abuser's heart is far from Christ, and their abuse is an unChristlike cycle which must be broken (not endured).
The church does far too little to protect men and women from emotional abuse; too often, it is ignored, or the problem is exacerbated when they are simply advised to "submit" (see above).
Worse, sometimes those who escape from abusive relationships endure the scorn of the church for destroying the "sanctity" of marriage.

My heart aches for these women who find themselves victims of the people they once loved enough to marry, and even the church is not a place to find refuge.

When I think about marriage, this is my greatest fear - what if the person I love turns against me?

For those who tend to be emotionally manipulative (and I suppose we all are, at some level), please, please, be honest with yourself and deal with these issues before you commit to anybody. And be warned:

You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted;
   you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
   so that mere earthly mortals
   will never again strike terror.

Psalm 10:16-18

God defends the oppressed, and he breaks the teeth of the oppressor. (That is to say, in all seriousness, get ready for a cosmic punch in the face)

How can I protect myself against this? How can I choose a partner who I can be reasonably sure will not turn against me in the future?

The other cheek

2011-12-13T08:30:00.000-05:00

So much conflict comes from our fear that others are going to take advantage of us.

But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. Matthew 5:39

At one of the first Bible studies that I led, we read this verse and somebody asked, Does this mean we are supposed to let others walk all over us? At the time I had no answer. They never came back to Bible study.

Allowing others "take advantage" is, in once sense, the essence of Christianity. Instead of giving us what we deserve, God allows us to take advantage of the cross to put us on right terms with God.

We are also supposed to resist giving others "what they deserve" by forgiving them. Somehow, we are all behaviorists at heart, and believe that we need to "train" others how we want them to treat us. As though they were pets and not thinking, choice-making beings.

On the other hand, cowardice is hardly an admirable trait, and never does God tell us to step down and passively allow injustice and exploitation to run its course.

In my work, I feel the tension again. Maintaining authority in a classroom is often a show of power, not a show of meekness. It was difficult for me the first few weeks, not because I was afraid to confront my students, but because I needed to figure out how to exercise authority in a way that was strong yet not vengeful.

Calm strength, I think, is the key: letting unruly students have their own way is not beneficial to you, the rest of the class, or to them. But being a tyrant is unnecessary. I've been amazed to have students challenge my authority, hold my ground, and find that the next week they are compliant and even friendly. This is not always the case, of course, but it has happened in at least four different instances. I admit, this is still puzzling to me. I can't figure out if they are trying to get on my good side, are acting out of fear of punishment, or who knows what else. But not one of these students has been malicious since those crucial incidents.

"Turning the other cheek," I think, addresses our instinct to retaliate out of anger, to punish others for the pain they have caused us. But cowardice is not the goal - the kind of "meekness" that Christians are called to is not about submitting to the fear of confrontation.

Sounds like something else I think I have heard of before...nonviolent protest?

What do you think it means to "turn the other cheek"?

Lower

2011-12-10T13:56:00.000-05:00

I used to believe that peanut butter on a spoon was the lowest I could go.

I proved myself wrong.

Conversation

2011-12-08T08:30:00.000-05:00

Ms. Señorita Dashe, did you do something to your hair?

Yep, I got it cut. Do you like it?

But why is it like that?

Like what?

Like, curly.

Um, my hair is naturally curly. Haven't you noticed?

Well, yeah, but why didn't you get it straightened?

I didn't want it straight - I just wanted a hair cut.

So you just walked out of the salon just like that?

Yes, I guess I did.

Motivation

2011-12-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

Today, I looked out at my classroom.

Ten or so students were working on the assignment I had given them. Three are already done.

About ten are talking, and not working at all. I ask them, "Are you done?"

"No, I don't get it!" they exclaim, knowing what comes next.

"Well, what do you think you should do?"

"Uh, ask?"

"I knew you were smart!" I respond. I explain the assignment again, but five minutes later they are talking again.

Three are staring out the window. Two are asleep. I will wake them up in a minute, but I know they will be back asleep two minutes later, and I don't feel like making it into a big deal today.

Many of my students have a problem with motivation. They don't care about school because they don't even know why they are in school - regardless of my heart-stirring lectures about the importance of education.

Honestly, I think that they have a point. Why are they here? The truth is, only about half of my class would succeed in college. Fewer than that number will even have the opportunity, thanks to financial and social circumstances. A handful won't even graduate high school three years from now.

Yet, though most of our students are not college-bound, our curriculum is entirely aimed at preparing students for college. The rest of the students are left floundering in the middle, with a diploma and a lot of knowledge that won't get them very far, supposing they retained much in the first place.

Why don't we teach them stuff that they will use? Personal finance, art, hairdressing, landscaping, industry, management, entrepreneurship. Skills that will help them to become independent and build up their communities? Skills that will give them a paycheck and a purpose.

We used to teach these skills, but now we believe that "no child should be left behind" and insist that "tracking" is a form of discrimination. But sometimes we also need to deal with reality.

And sure, literature or algebra can enhance your life, but you need to have a livelihood first.

My lectures to my students about education have evolved to include less about grades and college more about developing skills like perseverance and self-discipline. I figure, that's what they really need, anyway.

Mornings are not for talking

2011-11-11T07:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Non-Morning People of the World:

I know you hate being awake early. I know that you believe that smiling and chattering as soon as you wake up is what it means to be a "morning person" and that you are trying to play along. And, holy smokes, I know that you think that playing music is going to help improve everyone's mood. You have good intentions, but you sadly mistaken.

Let me help you. Mornings are not for talking. They are for thinking, writing, reading, and being quiet. They are for drinking tea and reading the newspaper.

In the name of all that is good, please! Do not talk to me in the morning.

Also, you don't need to offer to make me breakfast. I make it myself every other day when you are not there, and I don't need your help today. Big breakfasts are for people who are miserable to be awake and are trying to make it better. I am not miserable. You are. Keep your big breakfast to yourself.

Finally, mornings are for routines. Please do not try to make my morning more interesting by messing up my routine. Do not ask me to think about things that I am not yet ready to think about. Do not ask me to make decisions about the day. Though it does not reflect well on my own character, it is probably better not to ask me to do anything yet, or else you may receive what you might consider a very "non-morning person" response.

If you do this for me, I will do my best to occasionally stay awake past 10 to hang out with you.

Much love,

Morning Andrea

Peanut butter

2011-11-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

I had a conversation in Ecuador with my host dad that went like this (translated into English for your reading convenience):

Dad: What do you eat in the US?
Me: Lots of different stuff. Rice and beans, salad, pasta, stir fry...
Dad: Hamburgers?
Me: I actually don't eat very many hamburgers...
Dad: But you eat them, right? How many times do you usually eat them? Once a week? Two times? With french fries, right?
Me: Not really. I actually don't even know the last time I ate hamburgers OR french fries...
Dad: But you eat hamburgers, right?

Since this conversation, I've wondered if we actually do have an "American" food. Many people do eat hamburgers, but you wouldn't call them our "staple" item. Most of our food originates in the countries from which our families come, and so isn't really "American".

But then this last summer, when I was smearing peanut butter on an apple in front of my dear Russian friend Larissa, her confused look suddenly helped me to realize: PEANUT BUTTER.

Almost every American I know loves peanut butter. Peanut butter and apples, peanut butter and bananas, peanut butter and celery, peanut butter sandwiches, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter cups. Peanut butter on a spoon.

Our love for peanut butter has caused confusion for many a international student in the college cafeterias across the nation. I have observed the brave ones intrepidly spread half a teaspoon on slices of toast, anxious about the calorie count. My Russian friend I was eventually able to convince to try it with an apple. Her response was amazement, and sadness that she would not be able to enjoy her new-found love once she returned to Russia.

Peanut butter: the fuel of America

Comfort. In honor of Lara

2011-11-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

...there is a normal, simple, comfortable, ordinary life of human delights that we may enjoy with no troubling thoughts of heaven or hell or sin or holiness or God - if there is no resurrection from the dead. And what stunned me about this train of thought is that many of the professing Christians seem to aim at just this - and call it Christianity.

John Piper, Desiring God

I read the blog of a girl I met at Bible school. She's gorgeous, her husband is gorgeous, they are both skinny. She is crafty and charming and athletic, he is musical and romantic and great at taking photographs. They live in a cute little house and she writes about how in love they are and how many friends they have over for dinner.

I used to read it because it represented everything that I wanted. After a brief glimpse into her life, I would go on to despise my own.

Until one day I realized, this girl was my roommate during one of the darkest times of my life, but we barely talked. She was so wrapped up in her own world that she was effectively blind to the confusion, loneliness and struggles of the person who slept eight feet away from her.

God does not want to give me a good life. It is not his concern to fulfill my dreams, to give me a good person to marry, a comfortable home to fill with DIY masterpieces, and a family that I can cook healthy meals for.

His concern is that I represent him - his truth, his faithfulness, his mercy and his justice - to those around me. Often, that means that we trade comfort for struggle, happiness for sorrow, success for failure, and personal fulfillment for justice.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

2 Corinthians 4:16-17 NIV

God does not want us to live comfortable lives.

Something must have happened

2011-11-07T08:15:00.000-05:00

Moment of truth: I love God, but when it comes to proclaiming this in public, I am a big, ugly, hand-wringing cowardly cringing WIMP.

I'm working on it.

I recently had a conversation that tested my bravery - a group of co-workers start making jokes about a group of "religious" teachers who pray in the morning and who resist teaching evolution in their classroom.

Moment of truth: I laughed with them. They were funny! They were jokes that I myself would have made about religious people. I am not known for my reverence.

But during the conversation, I did my best to make it clear that I, too, was a Christian, went to a Christian school, pray, take the Bible seriously, and attend church. They mostly gave me awkward looks and then ignored me.

I'm working on it.

But then one person made a comment about how one of these "religious" teachers only converted after they had a close encounter with death - they had had cancer. And everyone was like, oh yes, of course they would become religious after a crisis like that. I knew that something must have happened.

I was like, I wonder what they would think of my story? I have been a Christian since 6th grade, and I was for real about it, that is, as for real as my 6th grade self could get about anything. But it wasn't until I had my own "crisis" - leaving Moody and "ruining my life" according to every standard I held, that I really began to understand grace.

That person's comment made it seem as though turning to God in crisis made it less valid.

As though God isn't for competent, reasonable people. Only for the weak people who can't manage on their own. Who can't think on their own. Live on their own.

And in my head I was like, lucky you, so strong and wise to have numbed yourself to the pain that pours out of you every time you look for meaning in a relationship, every time you lash out at somebody who offends you, every time you drink too much because you were rejected and take drugs to keep the demons away and work until you are exhausted trying to make your life the way you think it should be but it's not and it never has been and never will be because the things that have gone wrong are not things that you can fix just by working hard to make them go away.

Good thing you are so strong. It is a lot of work carrying around all those burdens.

That's what I said in my head.

I'm working on it.

What am I doing with my life?

2011-11-05T07:45:00.000-04:00

I'm student teaching this year.

I don't want to be a teacher.

I want to write. I want to study the Bible. I want to teach the Bible.

Sometimes, I have minor crises. What am I doing with my life? Why aren't I following my dreams? Is finishing my teaching degree a futile attempt to justify a sunk cost?

And people I deeply respect sometimes say very compelling things that tempt me to drop everything and go off into the great unknown.

I am not afraid to leave everything and go. Actually, I am desperate to.

But I'm still here by conscious, deliberate choice.

Reasons why I am still here:

God is not confined to a vocation.
I do not have any concrete plans for what I would do otherwise. Until I do, it is ok to finish what I started here.
I prayed. A lot.
I asked a lot of people for advice.
I have free will. I am not a slave to "destiny".
God does not make me play guessing games about my direction in life in order to test my faith.
I can practice my writing/studying/teaching Bible skills while I do something that is less than what I dream of doing.
I am learning many other useful skills in my placement.
A certificate to teach Spanish and experience in an ethnically diverse urban environment is a powerful tool. It means that I can support myself just about anywhere on this continent or the one down south (PS That's South America, folks, not Mexico). I could qualify for jobs in education, translation, youth work, missions, childcare, group management, organization, urban relief, community development and a whole lot more.
This is only one year. And God's timeline is longer than my timeline.
Time spent in preparation is not wasted time.
I figure this is good practice in patience, persistence, discipline, and trusting God. I am far more inclined to try and take everything into my own hands and make it work the way I want it to. The last time I did that, I left Bible school. Yeah. Look where that got me.

Sometimes, of course, I am really afraid that I am wrong in this. But that's when I remind myself that even if I decide that this whole teaching thing was, in the end, a waste of time, God is good and gives me grace anyway.

Do you agree or disagree? What is your method for figuring out what you are doing with your life?

Five buckaroos

2011-11-03T18:48:00.000-04:00

This chair used to be known as the Ugly Chair with Nasty White Pleather Seat that Andrea Picked Up Off the Curb.

Now we call it the Beautiful Chair that Andrea Reupholstered for Five Bucks.

Or for friends, the Five Buckaroos Chair.

Other items that I have picked up off the curb:

my bike
my desk
the Five Buckaroos Chair
my TV stand
my car (hey, sometimes I park it by the curb)

Moral of the Story: Don't pay for stuff when you can get it off the curb for free.

"The one"

2011-11-02T07:45:00.000-04:00

Usually I don't read relationship books. At least, I don't admit that I do. And definitely not ones about Christian marriage.

But you should read this book.

It is called Are You Waiting for the One? Don't gag, it's only a title. And don't judge it by the cover, either. It is written by a married couple, the Petersons, and this is their second marriage for both of them, because of death and divorce. Yeah, I know, what does a divorced person know about lasting relationships? Quite a lot, it seems.

And it doesn't matter if you are single, dating or engaged. As a matter of fact, you should read it if you are single or just dating - you will feel validated and empowered, and not as though you are missing half of yourself. Ah hem.

Some of their great points are:

Marriage is a practical choice that can be made for many practical reasons, including not wanting to be alone, wanting to start a family, stability, and just really liking the person you are with. Reasons not listed are finding your soul mate or fulfilling your masculinity or femininity. Somehow, realizing this makes the choice to marry somebody or not considerably less intimidating.
They fearlessly address the false dichotomy about sex that exist in Christian culture - that sex before marriage is bad bad really bad you ruined everything and you can't have it back, but somehow, magically, sex after marriage is always awesome.
They also propose one of the most interesting arguments I have found for egalitarianism. They say that marriage - like any friendship - is built on sacrifice, patience, and cooperation, and that assigning final decision-making rights to one person over another is the lazy way out.
A discussion of the "Guess How I'm Feeling" game, and the "Waiting for the Other Person to Initiate" game, and how emotional games have no place in healthy relationships was probably the most convicting part for me to read.
They explain how sex equals babies, and how we can make peace with that.
and more!

There are a lot of confusing ideas in the world about relationships and what makes them work. Some of it is easy to dismiss as ridiculous, but some of it is harder to figure out. I thought that the Peterson's ideas were practical, helpful, and biblical.

What is some of the best advice you have heard for building good relationships? What is some of the worst?

Cowboy Coffee

2011-11-01T07:45:00.000-04:00

Come on over to my house.

Have a seat in the vintage leather chair that we are babysitting for the neighbors.

Are you cold? Probably. Our thermostat lives on sixty. But relax, grab a blanket, and I'll make you a cup of coffee.

Wait, no percolator? No french press? No worries. I got this.

Cowboy Coffee
1. Boil 1 1/2 cups of water in a small saucepan.
2. Turn off heat. Stir in 1 spoonful of coffee grounds. Cover with a lid and let it sit for 5 minutes.

3. Add a little bit of cold water from the tap to help settle the grounds.
4. Pour into a mug, careful to not to pour the coffee grounds along with the coffee. If you do get a few grounds, no biggie. If this is a challenge for you, you can use a strainer.

yield: 1 hot mug of cowboy coffee. That's how we do awesome, recession-style.

Así lo hago.

The Fight - John White

2011-10-31T10:13:00.000-04:00

[In the Christian life] you may have periods of darkness or of doubt. You may encounter painful struggles and discouragement. But there will also be moments of exultation and glory. And most important of all, you will become free.

thirty one

2011-10-30T10:03:00.000-04:00

Go here to calculate your slavery footprint. It will take 20 minutes or so, but it will tell you how many slaves you have working for you, based on the number of consumer items you own. I originally had 30, but I figured it had to be too many, so I went back and edited my answers.

I ended up with 31 instead. Serves me right.

The problem here is, of course, not that we need more laws to prevent human trafficking. It is that we, consumers, need to use our consumer power ($$) to stop supporting it. Because the reality is, that $10 shirt at WalMart is only $10 because somebody, somewhere, was grossly underpaid for their work. Cheap for you, but very, very expensive for them. By purchasing it, you are actively supporting that practice. And of course, it is going to fall apart within a season anyway, so you are going to have to pay another $10 to replace it...and your footprint grows larger.

And if you really want chills, remember that most customers of the enslaved sex workers around the world are white, Western men.

My two goals:
1. drink fair trade coffee
2. reduce the quantity of clothes that I purchase, while purchasing items that (a) are not produced by slaves at artificially cheap prices, and (b) will last longer.

You can ignore this. It is the privilege of those with power to ignore the oppression of the powerless.

But ignoring slaves doesn't make them disappear.

How many slaves are working for you? And, what are you going to do about it?

I did ok.

2011-10-28T11:48:00.001-04:00

I have a new hobby! It is called preaching. So far, I have spoken three times.

My first time, I had just crashed face-first into what would become known as the Semester of Doom. I was exhausted, discouraged, and underprepared. I just sat in a chair and talked through some scripture and explained how, when we persist in sin, we are inviting death into our lives, while God wants to give us life. It turned out fine, and people told me about specific things they had learned from what I said, which is what it was all about anyway.

My second time, I was able to prepare far better, though still not perfectly. I talked about how we are filled with emptiness, and we need Jesus, and I talked through the story of the sassy woman at the well. Afterwards, students shared with me specific ways that what I said impacted them, which was, again, a real gift. Unfortunately, there was a microphone and stage lighting and no clock. I went over my time. I don't know how much. I was afraid to ask. I think it was a lot.

Last night, I was again exhausted. I had substitute-taught in my classroom for two days straight - more teaching than I have ever done before. Plus, I didn't have my usual planning time to get all my planning and grading done. So I had to stay late at school, stay up late at home, and wake up early to get it all done. I had been brainstorming and outlining what I wanted to say at large group for two weeks, but as of Thursday at 6 when I left my school, I still hadn't figured out how it all fit together, and by Thursday at 6, I could barely put two thoughts together, let alone piece together a speech about conflict.

I prayed. I listened to Dave Crowder. (TANGENT: After looking up this link, I learned that THEY ARE DISBANDING!!!! NOBODY TOLD ME THIS!!!! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS???!?!?!? WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THAT LAST WEEKEND WAS THE LAST TIME I WOULD EVER GET TO SEE THEM IN CONCERT IN MY WHOLE LIFE?!?!?!??!?)

Anyway.

I prayed. I asked other people to pray. I read the Bible. I prayed. I tried to clean up my outline, but like I said, I could hardly put two thoughts together and I decided to just go with what I had prepared and hope it turned out.

I didn't even have enough mental energy to say to myself, hey, maybe you should gracefully step down from this one tonight and go to bed instead. Which probably would have been the prudent thing to do. Ha. As if I ever do the prudent thing.

I have concluded that I did ok. I made individual points that were rock solid, but I did a poor job of tying everything together, which is exactly what you might have expected. I trailed a little bit at a few different points, I stopped and prayed once, I made a few jokes which people laughed at with enthusiasm, and the rest of the time most people had polite expressions on their faces.

(Mostly. Some looked a little bored or confused, like my students did when I tried to explain to them what an infinitive was. The other exception was Rachel J, who was beaming little rays of sunshine every time I looked at her. I love Rachel J.)

I was also honest about my weakness, and I think that turned out to be a second strength. In a very platonic way, I think my audience felt sorry for me, so they listened better. But more meaningfully, I read 2 Corinthians 4 and made the point that God loves to refine us through difficulty and shine through our weakness - in conflict, in failure, in everything. And there I was, living that example. How often have you seen a speaker at their weakest? Probably not often. Public speaking is all about appearing strong. Though generally you should not point out your flaws from the stage, there was no faking it last night. So I was just honest. I think that my honesty - and how I showed them God in all of it - gave power to my words.

For those reasons, I think that I did ok. It is difficult to say that. I am usually self-critical to the extreme. I feel like giving myself any credit at all leaves me vulnerable to others' criticism. But that is the most honest assessment I can make, doing my best to be honest about my faults, to give myself credit where it is due, and to see it all through God's lens.

BUT EVEN IF I FAILED, IT WOULD STILL BE OK. GOD DOES NOT JUDGE ME BASED ON HOW IMPRESSIVE I AM TO OTHERS. God judges me on my FAITHFULNESS, and whether or not I speak TRUTH, and whether I pursue HIS GLORY above everything else, especially above my own glory. To the best of my weak, underprepared, immature ability, I did those things last night with reckless, exhausted enthusiasm.

I AM NOT AFRAID OF FAILURE, because God loves me regardless of my success.

And I AM NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK AGAIN, because if I quit everything that I did not do perfectly the first time, how would I ever learn to do better?

Keep your mouth shut

2011-10-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

In my classroom, I have good days and bad days.

Yesterday was a bad day.

It happens. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, and I'm over it.

What was more difficult to bear is when somebody else came in and started listing out everything I was doing wrong. You should have done this, you need to do that...

It made me angrier than the students themselves.

As a critical person myself, I know how easy it is to find fault with what others are doing. I've tried to learn the habit of keeping my mouth shut unless it is absolutely necessary for me to chip in. I need to trust that God will take care of it even if I don't get my two cents in. In practice, I am more often glad that I kept my silence than wish that I had spoken up.

Other times, I'm not so sure. Should I have defended myself from this other person's unwanted advice? I wanted to. Acidic, sarcastic words tingled on my tongue, begging to get out. But I kept silent.

What do you think? When is it better to speak up, and when is it better to keep your mouth shut?

Here you go

2011-10-13T08:02:00.001-04:00

Four months! Five? Well, I broke my silence, so I might as well continue. I like writing, but it felt good to be free of the Internet over the summer, and I was hesitant to pick it up again.

This is really what you are here for, anyway:

If your first reaction is, whoa, sweet fro! I understand where you are coming from. If your second reaction is, whoa, sitting on mountains while gazing thoughtfully into the distance! then you understand where I am coming from, too. It is good that we have such strong mutual understanding.

His name is Mike. He loves God. He enjoys dim sum. He likes math. He plays sports. We make multicultural jokes. It's a grand time.

In this short month and a half, being a girlfriend - having a boyfriend - has taught me more about friendship - and identity - and femininity - and community - and honesty - than reading a dozen relationship books could ever teach. I propose we burn them instead.

For Becky. At risk of saying too much.

2011-10-12T18:57:00.001-04:00

Hey dear! You make a lot of good points. I can understand where you are coming from - for years I felt like I was suffocating under all of those restrictions against women in leadership. I felt like God had played a mean trick, to give me these skills and passions but to refuse to allow me to use them simply because I was a woman.
But there are a few things about what you said that I think are good to discuss further. I love that you say that we shouldn't just follow the Bible word-for-word and we should consider the context before coming to conclusions. So true! A lot of Xians are told that interpreting the Bible "literally" (a vague word, at best) is what you should do, but it is more accurate for a Xian to say, the Bible is Truth written for certain people at a certain time, then to strive to interpret it within its literary and historical context, and then to figure out how that truth fits in with us today.
So let's put it to work. You referenced Leviticus in saying that we don't follow certain agricultural laws, so why should we follow these other ones about sexuality? The question we should ask first is, why did God give this law in the first place? At the very least, if we choose not to follow this law, we should still learn the original reason behind it. That reason could reveal something important about ourselves and about God. But we need to check our hearts - to really learn from the Bible, we need to be honest and humble and ready to admit we are wrong. If we approach it already looking for the answer we want, we aren't going to be open to hear Truth.
When I studied the texts on women, I had to be ready to admit that women should not be in leadership if it turned out that that was the Truth that I found. The awesome thing is, God is the definition of good. When you give him the chance to speak for himself, even if the answer is difficult to swallow at first, you are guaranteed that in the end, it also will be the very best good. If we try to define good on our own terms, we will end up with something far less than good.
In my study about women in the Bible, I have learned that God sees us primarily not as men or women, (or gay or straight for that matter), but above all as human beings. The Bible says that we women are very - exceptionally! remarkably! - capable in leadership, but that leadership is appropriate in some contexts and not in others - just like it is sometimes appropriate for men to lead, and other times not. The reasons usually have more to do with our attitudes and our character than with our gender. But you see, if I had tried to figure this out without being willing to admit that sometimes it might not be good for women to lead, I would still be stuck in seeing the issue as one of fighting for power between genders, and a power struggle is definitely not a true representation of the gospel!
I'm not going to tell you how I interpret those verses about homosexuality, because I think the process is more important than the answer (though if you do want to talk, I always love talking with you :).
But I encourage you (and anyone else reading this) to not simply say, those verses don't apply any longer - that is not a thing to say lightly if you are a Xian who wants to live according to the word of God! This isssue - those verses - are far too deep to dismiss as anachronisms that no longer have any meaning for us today. You said that you prayed - perfect! Keep praying. Wrestle with these verses, look up some more, ask questions, read lots of books, humble your heart and listen for truth. If you do it for real, it could (should?) take years. But in the process, you will grow closer to God, learn what it means to be a sexual being, and instead of feeling like you need to doubt, debate and argue your way, you can simply rest in the knowledge that you are a beloved child of God.

Geese

2011-06-06T17:03:00.001-04:00

At Cedar Campus, we have a flock - a herd - a small city's worth - of Canadian geese. They are the most obnoxious birds I have ever come across. The are big, loud and poop all over the boardwalk.

But one morning, I spent nearly five minutes watching a mama and papa geese coax four awkward little goslings into the water. Then I captured this beautiful photo of the entire flock that I startled off the beach as I walked to the kitchen early one morning.

How arrogant I am, to pass judgment on others before attempting to see the good in them.

Summer 2011

2011-05-19T20:28:00.001-04:00

I am going to work as crew this summer at Cedar Campus, in the beautiful Upper Peninsula.

I tried my best to go to Tijuana. I was, in fact, accepted to go. Yesterday. Which was about a month and a half too late. Advice for organizations: respond to all emails. Promptly.

I am sad now that I know I could have gone to Mexico, but Cedar should be good, too. There are beautiful trails, and woods, and Lake Huron, and GIANT ROCKS, and sailboats and kayaks and campfires. My job is to work with kids at family camp, but let's be honest, hanging out with kids and teaching an occasional Bible lesson is hardly work compared to what I have done the last three summers (which, in case you forgot, was Intense Counselor Adventure at Wildwood Ranch, "Good For Your Soul but Not For Your Sleep", then Summer of Nine Credits In Spanish in Ecuador, and then Summer School in Detroit) or the last two semesters (which I think of as the Year of Insanity)

I plan to read a lot of books, listen to a lot of Ingrid Michaelson, run on the trails, and learn how to sail. While I am doing these things, God and I will discuss my past and plot my future.

It will be good.

Face Poem

2011-05-19T19:52:00.001-04:00

I like my face
I like your face
I like it when your face
Is close to my face
It makes me sad when your face
Is so far from my face
Can't you please just bring your face
Closer to my face?

And about blue jeans

2011-05-02T12:09:00.000-04:00

Also, jeans. Let's talk about blue jeans. Hip huggers are like, if you gain ten pounds you will die because everyone will see because there will be a ring of squish all around your waist. And if you have this shape or that shape, too bad, because such-and-such is the style now, even though it really only looks good on this very small percentage of the population. The rest of us just have to cope until the style changes. I am beginning to realize why skirts were so popular for so long - they are universally flattering and comfortable, if you don't mind that you have to remember to keep your knees together. But this is America, and we wear blue jeans here.

Also, has anybody noticed that it takes relatively little skill to make some flattering skirts, but to make a decent pair of blue jeans on your own is something that you'd be better off not trying? Market manipulation? Reliance on expensive retailers for something as simple as decent clothing? Consumer trap? I think yes.

Let's talk about pretty.

2011-05-02T12:08:00.000-04:00

Who decided that Victoria's Secret models are the prettiest? They don't even exist. In real life, they look like skeletons whose flesh was surgically removed from their hips and stuck to their chest.

Which is not an exaggeration.

I've been watching a lot of Spanish movies lately, and European ones, and I've been looking up old art, and talking to friends. Let me tell you something. In general, the rest of the world, and the rest of history, has a far more forgiving view of the female body than we do in the US. It is ok to have frizzy hair. It is ok if your stomach is not flat. It is ok if your hips or chest are not perfectly proportioned, or if you squish a little, or if your chin blends softly into your neck. It is normal. But we've made normal bad.

Of course, this leads to plenty of confusion and depression. I remember in high school, having minor crises every time I gained 10 pounds. Hello! I was growing! I was changing from a girl to a woman, but because my hips happened to be wider than the hips of my petite white counterparts, I felt that something must be wrong with me.

You know, it didn't even occur to me until very recently that I am taller than most girls, 5'8", and that it is reasonable if I do not wear the same jean size as my 5'2" roommate. Duh. I also have felt like my face is unnecessarily lumpy and round, until I saw a Spanish movie in which the diva had a lumpy face like my own.

Not that I really look like her, but I look a lot more like her than I do like Reese Witherspoon.

Another part of this is, of course, the fact that many of us are at an unhealthy weight. But how did people throughout all of history maintain their weight before Splenda? We need to learn how to listen to our bodies and give it the nourishment that it asks for, and resist giving it more. Of course, recalibrating our habits to match our body's needs does not require an expensive diet program, does not support the economy and therefore is not encouraged.

And besides, who ever decided that having extra pounds is something to have crises over? Does my identity rest in the squish at my hips? Is my value gained or lost with the flatness of my stomach? If I gain ten pounds, does that weight absorb some of my intelligence? Or my wisdom? Or my love for my friends or my family? Of course not. But somehow, I believe that it does.

I have the shape that I have. I should take care of my physical appearance, certainly. I can choose to dress nicely in clothing that flatters me (regardless of whatever trend is popular), since that gives me confidence. My face is my face, my laugh is my laugh, and if it is crooked, lumpy or annoying, well, too bad, because I am happy and I am not going to let you stop me.

Can we please stop believing the lie that ten pounds underweight is better than ten pounds overweight, that blond hair is prettier than brown hair, and that our inner qualities are determined by our physical characteristics?

Maybe I'm just talking to myself here. Does everyone else have this figured out?

April

2011-04-20T11:00:00.000-04:00

For the past two years, I noticed that I have an annual burst of updates beginning in February, gaining force in March, and then almost disappearing in April. Maybe it is because it is the end of the semester? Maybe it is spring?

Another April phenomenon is the number of boyfriends who suddenly showed up at the girl party. Of my group of friends, it is now easier to count those without significant others than those with them (myself included, sorry to disappoint you). I am proud to claim almost complete responsibility for at least one of them ("So if you like him, what are you going to do about it?"), and have had influence on more than a few others.

My latest victims, with flowers

I figure, flowers for my roommate might as well be flowers for me, right? I get to admire them every morning no matter who the card was addressed to!

This time has also been filled with prayer. Between a week-long prayer tent earlier in the spring and a week-long prayer-in-a-library-study-room this week, we are up to our ears in prayer. And the prayer walk in Detroit last weekend! God is doing sweet things! You can feel the difference on campus - people are talking more about God, prayers are being answered, and people are learning about God and finding peace in so many ways. The atmosphere is like the one you might find at a great retreat or conference, but it's a regular semester. But not. You know. It's cool.

I also quit my job as a student cook in the cafeteria. I have a lot to manage these last few weeks (my classes are project-heavy), and I thought bowing out a little early would annoy HR, but be worth my sanity in the end. Last Friday was my last day, and I was sad to leave. For a minimum wage job with little social status, that place made my life better. On the other hand, I felt awesomely pro-active. I can't just up and quit too many things in my life, so it felt good to decide something and then do it.

After Easter, there's one more week of class, half a week of finals. Graduation, summer, student teaching, ???

Core subjects

2011-04-07T08:38:00.004-04:00

Science, Math and Reading/Writing. Those are the three subjects that are pushed the most in public schools today.

Well, I am here today to ask, why? Why did we decide that these subjects are the most important for kids to learn? Why not history? Language? Group dynamics? Ethics and philosophy? Art and music and performing arts? (who, after all, has more influence over a generation's beliefs than the celebrities and performing arts professionals that they follow?)

Why does school have to be divided into categories at all? Why can't we study the math and science of the Industrial Revolution while learning about the social impact it had at the same time? Why can't students play Moravian folk music in band class while learning about the emphasis on folk art in the Communist-controlled states of Eastern Europe in their social science class?

It seems to me that what and how we teach students is decidedly removed from reality.

Be strong, and let your heart take courage

2011-04-04T07:42:00.013-04:00

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!
Psalm 27:13-14 ESV

Some days, it seems more possible that God does not exist. I can feel the emptiness of the spaces around me, and everything is just so logical that an all-powerful God seems unnecessary.

But God does not condemn me for feeling doubt. He does not expect me to fake happiness. Neither does he leave me alone in darkness.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:11

He hasn't let me down yet. I can have peace in darkness because the path is firm under my feet.

Privacy

2011-03-27T20:28:00.003-04:00

How many secrets do you have?

Work day

2011-03-18T07:42:00.001-04:00

During the industrial revolution, unions fought to establish the 40-hour week/8-hour workday, and its establishment was a major win for organized labor. But how many of us still work 40 hours a week? Or 8 hours a day? It is not that unusual to hear of people working 50, sometimes 60 hours in a week.

Today, I began doing homework at 8:30 AM, worked until I went to class from 10 until 2, and did homework from 3 until 7. That's 9 1/2 hours of work in one day, and it was pretty typical. Tomorrow, I will work 10 hours at my job, and do more homework during the weekend. I probably clock between 50 and 60 hours a week between class, homework and my job.

Last semester, I learned a lesson about the importance of rest. I would have to force myself to leave my homework and take a break so that I wouldn't exhaust myself. This semester isn't so bad, but it is still busy, and it makes my head hurt to think about next year, when I will be in a classroom full time and doing schoolwork the rest of the time.

I wonder, is this kind of workload normal? More importantly, should it be normal? How much down time does a person need before we start calling them lazy?

Florida

2011-03-15T10:02:00.034-04:00

Did you miss me last week? I spent my spring break with eighteen of my closest friends volunteering with Habitat for Humanity in Florida. I was warm for the first time in months! We spent each day painting, roofing, tar-papering and cleaning, and we spent the evenings hanging out on the beach.

So much happened it would take me hours to tell you about it all all. A friend said that she felt as though she had lived a year in a week, which I thought was just about right.

Some things we learned were:

Living and working in community is awesome.
Habitat for Humanity is really cool!
Physical work is mentally restful.
I am not photogenic. We already knew this, but untagging myself in half of the photos that people have posted on Facebook emphasized this fact. Or more likely, I am just vain.
We don't need as much stuff or as big of houses as we think we do
"Poor" is not a synonym for dirty, criminal, drugged, lazy, uneducated or undignified.
James 2:14-17
Our society values busy-ness and stress. We say to each other, if you aren't stressed, you must not be doing something worthwhile. Even if all of our busy-ness is to no good end.
Michigan is cold. So is the Pacific Ocean. I have survived both!
If we all donated one week every few months to volunteering our labor, we would probably be in a lot better shape - physically, mentally, socially and economically.

What do you like to do with your vacation time? (P.S. staying at home and hanging out is good, too!)

Leftovers

2011-03-14T15:49:00.000-04:00

Read this first.

It's about the church only getting the "leftovers" of people's time and energy, and how it may actually be ok.

It does not require too much creativity to apply this idea to members of college campus ministries. Let's be honest, for many college students their campus ministry IS their church, no matter how much the ministry might insist otherwise. And those ministries put pressure on students to take on a lot of ministry duties - leading Bible studies, mentoring other students, evangelism, planning and hosting events. College is a great place to reach people from all over world, after all, and you wouldn't want to miss this opportunity.

Which is true. But as my own parents have emphasized, my purpose in being here is first to study and to do well in school. Most students also work a job as well as maintain relationships with their family back home and a group of friends at school. And then there's all these things that their Christian community is asking from them on top of it.

As if the point were to become as overloaded and overworked as possible.

Which is in line with our culture, but is not exactly biblical.

The saddest part is that I could write out a long list of close friends and neighbors who have received the short end of my time and energy because I have been busy with IV stuff, when those are the people I should be loving the most.

I didn't plan this.

2011-02-28T10:16:00.033-05:00

I am one of those embarrassing Jesus people. Like, the really embarrassing ones.

It happened without me even noticing. I just spent a lot of time around Christians, doing Christian things, and then one day, BAM, I woke up and I stared in horror at the giant, awkward political incorrectness that is my life.

I have verses pinned to my bulletin board and above my bed. I texted a verse to a friend the other day, not because I thought that she needed to hear it, but because I copy verses from my phone Bible to paste in my phone journal and I accidentally sent it in a text while it was in my pocket. Half of the music I listen to is Christian, and I have a "Jesus" channel on Pandora. My phone alarm greets me with Proverbs 27:14 every morning, and it is set at 7 AM so that I have time to read my Bible before class. I pray while talking on the phone, or in the midst of conversations - out loud. I attend at least four Christian meetings each week. I attend Christian conferences during my school breaks. Outside of class and work, 80-90% of my conversation is about God or the Bible or religion. I sing hymns under my breath when I am stressed, and a hymn inspired the title of my online journal. I spend my free time reading about women's roles in the church and Bible interpretation. I make Bible jokes like nobody's business.

On the one hand, I don't do any of this to show off. I do it with sincerity - pursuing God, his words, and his people has given me the strength and wisdom to deal with every crisis that has fallen on my doorstep these last few years. Let me just say, it's been rough. I've had to deal with more serious concerns than my feminine predisposition to gossip. But God has kept my head above water (and my sense of sarcasm intact).

On the other hand, I am worried. Have I distanced myself from my culture so much that I can no longer speak to them on their terms? For example, my co-workers were telling drunk stories the other day, and I remained silent because I had nothing to add. Not that I want to have drunk stories, but still. Should I have told them about the great service at my church the last weekend? And Jesus spent a lot of his time around "unholy" people. I usually only talk to non-Christians at work and in class. Which yes, is a lot of my time. And just because I spend my time with Christians does not mean that we are not everyday finding new ways to fit the gospel into our lives. But still. We all wear the Jesus nametag.

Is this good? Bad? A season? Something to worry about? Freaking out about nothing? Is it wisdom, because I fill my life with positive things? Or is it hiding the lamp under a basket while the world around me is stumbling around in the darkness?

Change

2011-02-24T14:54:00.000-05:00

Collegiate Day of Prayer

Rachel's post

2011-02-23T20:57:00.001-05:00

Andrea is a great person. She has very deep thoughts. Which are recorded in this blog that I am now contributing to. Deep thanks to her for letting me have deep thoughts too. (Rachel, where are you going with this?) And for letting me use her phone.

Today...(she is distracted by my phone)...

...

Today, I started reading a book by Jim Cymbala called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire, and that's exactly what it is. Fresh wind and fresh fire. He titled it well. (Now Andrea is distracted by her phone...) I had recently been discouraged about God, life, and Christianity in the western church, and I felt a little blahhh. But then I woke up this morning and decided to try reading a book for insipiration. Luckily, I picked an excellent book. This book goes a little like this: Jim Cymbala was pastoring a church in Brooklyn and it was going terribly. He hadn't gone to seminary and didn't have any experience in ministry, so he went in absolutely blind. At first it sucked and he was really discouraged. His congregation was tiny, his building was falling apart, bills were piling up, and he and his wife were barely making enough to live. He got so discouraged that one Sunday morning he just couldn't take anymore, and he started to cry. He told his congregation that in order for anything good to come of their church, they needed God to break in. So they prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and guess what? It worked!

Often times I get discouraged when people tell me to pray. When things are hard and nothing seems to be going right, I feel like I should be out doing things and fixing stuff. Filling out forms, studying, reading, networking, basically anything but just sitting and talking to someone I'm not even sure exists, but that's just me being stupid. God has done plenty of things in my life to prove that he is faithful. The problem is that I still allow doubt and self-reliance rule my life. This, my friends, is really stupid. The best thing we can do when things look grim is to pray and wait on the Lord. He loves us and even when stuff looks terrible and we are awfully discouraged, if we cry out to God and come to him with humble hearts, he will hear us, and he will answer us. Sometimes we just need to make a little room for him to step in.

Double take

2011-02-22T09:03:00.003-05:00

Have you ever watched To Sir, With Love? It's one of those feel-good save-the-inner-city teacher movies based on a book from the 1960s.

I was watching it the other night when, only minutes into the movie, I caught myself with an unexpected thought.

"That school can't be that bad - those kids are all white!"

The thought almost escaped and my life almost went on without a hiccup, and then I did a double take.

WHAT DID I JUST THINK?

I couldn't believe it! If I had been somebody else saying that to me, I would have punched myself in the face. Did I really just think that?

But I did.

Do you get it? Do you see? Our racial prejudices are so ingrained in us (or at least, in me) that even a person who loves inner-city work finds herself thinking that black city kids are inherently "badder" than white kids. And the almost funny part: in this movie, the well-educated, gentle-mannered teacher is the one who is black!

Here's the thing. If you believe that America is racially equal, then you are living a sad, sheltered life. There is racial injustice that occurs every day, everywhere in this country. Why do white families flee black communities? Why are schools populated by black students consistently mismanaged and underfunded? Why do you suddenly worry about locking your car when you are going to downtown Detroit or Southside Chicago? At its root, it is historical, persistent racial prejudice.

Some of you know this, and some of you don't. Some of us are lucky enough not to live in the midst of it every day. But for everybody, there are two things we can do about it. One, we can ignore it. That is the most convenient strategy, but it is also the best way to make sure that racial injustice survives for many generations to come.

Two, we can engage the problem. We can dedicate time and effort to learning about people from other neighborhoods, to understanding their history and becoming familiar with their culture, and committing to right the wrongs we see.

There is a risk in this. We are probably going to say some dumb stuff, we are probably going to offend somebody somewhere, and we are probably going to be very uncomfortable and unsure of ourselves at times. But do you think the Civil Rights movement was motivated by convenience? Do you think that what has just happened in Egypt was for comfort? Do you think that nobody was offended when women won the vote, or when Jesus hung out with prostitutes and all sorts of unsavory kinds of folks?

I would rather endure the shame of admitting that I sometimes act in racist ways and commit to fighting my prejudices, than pretend like I am innocent of all wrong and participate in continuing injustice.

What do you think?

Relationship math

2011-02-14T12:01:00.000-05:00

Everyone begins with 50 points.

1 girl = 50 points
1 boy = 50 points

You collect points with each relationship you have.

1 boy + 1 girl = +100 points each

But not too many at once.

1 boy + more than 5 girls = +1,000 points for the boy, and -1,000 points for each girl
1 girl + more than 5 boys = -1,000 points for the girl, and -10 points for each boy

Proper timing neutralizes the too-many-relationships effect.

1 relationship per 1-4 years = +50 points per relationship
1 relationship per 0-.5 years = -20 points per relationship
1 relationship per 5+ years (unmarried) = -10 points per relationship

Go for quality, not quantity.

1 girl + 1 abusive, controlling, or lowlife boy = -30 points for the girl, and -100 points for the boy
1 boy + 1 abusive, controlling, or lowlife girl = -50 points for the boy, and -100 points for the girl

But you must play the game. Participation points are a part of the final grade, and something is always better than nothing.

1 girl/boy + no girl/boy for over 20 years = -1,000,000,000 points

So says our culture.

I'm single, and it is Valentine's Day. I have -1,000,000,000 points, but I'm doing great. I just ate a piece of chocolate, and I am going to make some tea soon. I was going to make valentines to give away but I ran out of time, so a "Happy Valentine's Day!" to each friend I meet will have to suffice.

I never made a resolution to become an old maid (as certain persons have suggested). I never "kissed dating goodbye". Ew. I only promised myself that I would not enter into a relationship for relationship's sake, and after that, there was just never the right person at the right time.

Instead of a relationship, I have had the invaluable opportunity to objectively observe and question. I have had the opportunity to look carefully at myself and discover many attitudes that needed adjusting, about power and gender and sexuality and many other things. These attitudes could have shown up in ugly ways if I had been in a relationship at the time, but instead I was (and am) able to sort them out with little collateral damage. I would even dare to say that I know more about healthy relationships than many people who have been dating for many years, though I know that experience has it's own precious value.

I don't mean to say that everyone should do as I did. I just mean to say, Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you are pursuing goodness in all of your relationships, romantic or not, and that you find contentment and peace no matter how many points you have, because God doesn't count points, anyway.

Rodolfo Valentino

2011-02-08T10:30:00.009-05:00

A picture is worth a thousand words. How many words is a tango worth?

PROFOUND THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2011-02-07T09:34:00.020-05:00

Most movies are shot from the male point of view, looking at women.

My professor mentioned this book in class the other day, and pointed out the essay by Laura Mulvey. I don't know if I recommend that you read it, since there's lots of Freud and voyeurism and discussion of you know what going on. I only half-skimmed it myself, since I am writing this on Sunday morning and don't want to think too hard just yet. But if you're interested in this topic, go ahead, it can't hurt.

The big idea is that most movies are shot from the male perspective, looking at women. As in, based on camera angles, the male point of view is the one the camera emphasizes. To-be-looked-at-ness is the technical term she uses to describe women's primary trait.

I think it's true. Our culture is obsessed with women's to-be-looked-at-ness. Women's magazines feature images of women. Men's magazines feature images of women. Most advertisements feature images of women. Artwork features women. Even books focus on describing the physical traits of the female characters. Everyday, we are inundated with a downpour of more-than-perfect-looking women.

In the meantime, we hate women. We hate femininity, because we associate it with weakness. Well, to be honest, we don't even know how to define "feminine" anymore. Does it have something to do with pink and ruffles? Sexiness? Emotion? Is it the opposite of masculine, or is it independent of masculine? Whatever it is, we are eager to abandon it in favor of masculine traits, like being aggressive and stoic, so that we can compete in a supposedly equal world. And we join men in valuing ourselves based upon our to-be-looked-at-ness, and not on any personal value or trait that really gives us worth.

We are very confused.

Hello beautiful hair.

2011-02-04T08:09:00.005-05:00

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;I mean, &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

I mean, he can't dance, but that's not really important.

Snowflakes are Magical

2011-01-30T09:11:00.108-05:00

Enough of this West Coast Hate! An Illustrated Guide to Michigan in the Winter.

1. Snowflakes are magical.

2. Rain makes you sad. Falling snow makes you happy!

3. Snow muffles sound, so everything becomes so quiet

4. You can pile up blankets on your bed so that crawling in to sleep is like a toasty bedtime hug.

5. There are abundant occasions to drink hot coffee.

6. Wearing snow boots every day and stomping through big drifts and slushy puddles makes you feel like you're Richard Evelyn Byrd.

7. You can walk on water.

8. Snowboarding, skiing, ice skating, ice hockey, broomball, curling, ice fishing, sledding, hot tubbing, snow angel making, snow fort building, snowball fighting.

9. In The Long Winter, Laura Ingalls Wilder says that "cold is not so cold if you are not afraid of it."

10. You can wear lumpy sweaters and sweatshirts and sweatpants all day long without shame.

Time to kill

2011-01-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

I just want to let you know that I just did all of my homework for tomorrow in less than two hours. I did not do any homework all weekend, and I am not falling behind. This is so good. I hope the rest of my life can be like this.

IncrediPhone

2011-01-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

For that awful holiday we call Christmas (or as I like to say, CapitalismDay)(j/k! j/k! I wouldn't do that), I received a surprise gift: an HTC Evo Android smartphone. Here is a picture that I took with it.

I can't take a picture of it, you see, because I need to use it to take the picture.

Now, I am a technology ascetic. I have owned one iPod in my lifetime, and it was a shuffle. My camera died a couple of years ago, and I never replaced it. I do not own a TV and I hate fluorescent lights. I like all of those things (except fluorescent lights), but I figured I could live just fine without them.

BUT THIS PHONE IS AMAZING. Here is a list of things that I can do on my phone.

Take pictures (good ones! cool ones! and upload them online!)
Listen to music
Listen to Pandora
Read the Bible
Check my email
Write in my journal
Play Connect4
Make a grocery list
Set an alarm
Check my bank account
Time how long my tea brews
Translate a word into Spanish
Translate a word into English
Check my planner
Check my Facebook
Record audio
Record video
Figure out what star that is, or planet, or constellation
Read Calvin and Hobbes
Read Jane Eyre
Check textbook prices at the store to make sure I'm not getting ripped off
Practice for my geography quiz (yes! love freshman-level classes)
Light my way while walking under a dark bridge at night
Burn out somebody's eyes with a red laser while walking under a dark bridge at night
Scan a barcode
Make phone calls
And more!

IT DOES SO MANY THINGS!

Roommate Dinner

2011-01-19T08:00:00.005-05:00

Tonight, for dinner, my roommates and I ate this and this.

I am not a food blogger. I did not take a picture. But when I decided to write this post, I did take this picture of our unwashed dishes!

This was no ordinary dinner. It was, in fact, an important ritual in the Apartment of Awesome: Roommate Dinner. Each week, one of us makes dinner for the other two, and we hang out, eat delicious food and share our lives. The food is good, but it's not just about food.

I learned the importance of community this last semester. When life got rough, and it has for each of us at different times, we were all able to fall back on the community that we had built. One week when I was completely overwhelmed, they did my laundry for me. At other times, gas tanks have been filled, dishes have been washed, and tea has been made.

Community makes life so good, but it doesn't just happen. God is an important part of it, because his goodness and grace is the foundation for goodness and grace in your own life (the logic goes, because God did this for me, I can do this for others). Following that, you need to put time and effort into it. You need to push through misunderstandings and annoyances and be there for them so that they can be there for you. And presto! before you know it, life will fall apart and you will find yourself gently supported by the safety net that you didn't even realize was there.

That's why roommate dinner is so important.

backward glance

2011-01-16T21:21:00.000-05:00

Whew! Last semester was awful. My worst, ever. Ok, maybe the one I spent at community college was worse, but there was a lot more going on back then than just school. Last semester, I was a homework study go to class go to work get it all done and go to bed early to get up early and do it again tomorrow MANIAC.

I CONQUERED last semester. It shriveled away in humiliated misery as I completed my last exam and clocked out of my last work shift. The academic powers that be honored my victory with a generous GPA and three blank pages in my planner.

I'm back from my three weeks of Not Much. My classes for this final semester of mine look like this:

Teacher Education: Crafting Teaching Practice
Eastern European Art and Cinema
History of Spanish and Latin American Cinema

Beautiful. Two movie classes. Not blow-offs, but not Death in a Box, either.

I'M ALMOST DONE!

But not all is well. When I look around to see what's up, it's not so pretty. Adventures have been had, friendships have grown, and lives have moved on while I was spending all that quality time with my books. Out of sight, out of mind. And with only one semester left, it's wrapping up and closing down from here on out.

I am sad, even angry. I did what I needed to do, what was good and right, but I missed a lot in return. It seems unfair. Isn't doing the right thing supposed to come with a reward more valuable than a GPA and a diploma?

I should be writing my final papers, but instead I'm dreaming about July

2010-12-05T17:22:00.000-05:00

This summer, I should:
a. go on IV's trip to Mexico City
b. spend another summer working in Detroit Public Schools
c. something else???

My only criteria are (a) I get to practice Spanish, and (b) affordable (as in, dirt cheap, paid, or somebody else pays. Remember, I have a minimum wage job, student loans and a year of slavelaborahem student teaching ahead of me).

sometimes I wanna scream

2010-11-20T12:08:00.001-05:00

"The true story of America in the post-1970s era is the tale of how we as a nation have abandoned our young. We're not placing great enough emphasis on educating or listening to the voices of American youth. Our public schools and quality of life for a significant number of our young are in serious decline. Additionally, in our lifetime, jobs for youth have diminished in quality and quantity. Instead of rising to the challenge as a nation, we're more focused on placating corporate elites (can you say Haliburton?). Equally disturbing, we've returned to two irritants that helped spark the revolution that brought the country into existence two hundred years ago: taxation without representation and a greater concern with what's going on outside of the country (Iraq, Iran, Korea, Syria and Cuba, for starters) than what's going on inside it."
(Bakari Kitwana, Why White Kids Love Hip Hop)

"And if anything should go wrong, there's soma. Which you go and chuck out of the window in the name of liberty, Mr. Savage. Liberty!"
(Aldous Huxley, Brave New World)

(HT to Jenn for the video)

¡Práctica español!

2010-11-13T19:26:00.000-05:00

Want to master a language? The best way, of course, is to hop a plane to the country itself and live there for a couple of years. Short of that, you can learn a lot on your own. Thanks to the Internet and globalization (that's right, I used the g-word. Didn't expect that outside of a classroom, did you?), there's a lot of resources to help you out. Give it fifteen minutes a day, an hour or two a week, and you'll be surprised how much you learn.

Seven Ways I Practice Spanish

1. Spanish Podcast
A podcast for advanced learners. Beginning with an realistic, everyday conversation, Mercedes breaks it down, explaining common phrases and their meanings. A good way to help your Spanish become more authentic.

2. Voices en Español
Another good podcast, this one is a lot of short stories and discussions with native speakers.

3. El mundo
I already read the newspaper, so reading it in Spanish is an easy replacement. And, it is interesting to compare what makes the Spanish news and the US news. Makes you wonder about what we really know about the world.

4. How to change your keyboard language
Why didn't I do this three years ago? Now I can type an ñ or an í or an ¿ even in Facebook chat and search engines, instead of copying and pasting from Word all the time. I can even type a ç, piece of cake. Why does a Spanish speaker need a ç? I do not know, but it is empowering nonetheless. Also, this is a good prank to play on your friends and loved ones. Just don't do it right before finals week.

5. Read books in Spanish
J.K. Rowling? Isabel Allende? Bill Clinton? Who knew that all your favorite authors speak Spanish, too!

6. Practicing with somebody.
A good excuse to get coffee.

7. Movies in Spanish
With or without subtitles, originally produced in Spanish or dubbed, Spanish is Spanish. And hearing Simba sing in Spanish always gives me a kick.

The overarching principle here is to use the language! Listening and reading and practicing is how we learn English, right? So why not learn a second language that way, too? It takes a little discipline, and you may not become fluent out in the middle of Monolingualand, but there's no doubt that you can improve dramatically within a short time and maintain your skills for the long term.

Have fun!

passive (lazy)

2010-11-07T00:20:00.000-04:00

We are passive people. We make decisions based on what is easiest, what we are most naturally talented at, what falls in our lap, responding with our first emotional reaction.

I think that my generation is particularly guilty of passivity. We think that we are great, and if something becomes difficult, we make it clear to those around us that we are not failures when we fail to step up.

This is relevant in so many areas of life. I actually had typed them all up, but then decided I didn't really want to preach at you.

I just want to tell you that I want to be more proactive of what is going on in my brain, and so I decided that I am going to read more books outside of class. Right now, I'm working through Gordon Fee and Douglas Stuart's How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth. A good review for me, and even some new information. Next, I think I am going to tackle the copy of Herodotus that's been sitting on my shelf for longer than it should have.

Treasure From the World Wide Web

2010-11-06T23:37:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading a teacher ed text that called the Internet the World Wide Web (WWW) and explained how amazingly non-linear and interactive it was.

The Art of Manliness. Ha. I briefly looked to see if there was a female equivalent, but no luck yet. Maybe when I graduate and can't find a real job, I'll just start one myself...

Top 100 Church Blogs. Pick a few. Reading a handful of these, plus reading the newspaper whenever you can, will help make you a up-to-date, well-informed person.

Ok, yeah, mostly I wanted to share the Art of Manliness link, but I thought it might be lame to make a whole post just for that, so I gave you two.

escaping zombieland

2010-10-27T21:52:00.000-04:00

Do you remember when I wrote that cute little post about my school year goals, and I said something like, "...becoming overwhelmed, stressed-out, cynical and depressed are not on the list"?

Well, that resolution lasted until about a week before the semester began. Not because I have was disorganized, but because I simply did not realize how much work my four senior-level classes would require. Plus work. Plus InterVarsity. Plus friends, at least in theory. As the least demanding item, friends got dropped pretty quick, and thank goodness my roommates are awesome friends. If I didn't get to see them every day by default, I just may be friendless right now, and probably a lot worse off.

I did some major trimming and managing of priorities once I realized how nuts my schedule was. I managed to get into a rough kind of schedule, waking up at 5:20 when I have to work, and 8 when I don't. This helped so much that I stuck a schedule on the rest of my day - no homework before 9 am, or after 9:30 pm, and working hard for all the time in between. The most recent adjustment, and the most difficult, but also the most rewarding, has been No-Homework Saturday.

A schedule saved me. I realized that my homework will never be done, and the key to surviving, I found, is not to do it all, but to do what is most important, and at some point to tell myself to stop so that I have the energy to go at it again the next day.

It's about halfway through the semester now, and I just pulled through the last of my major midterm projects, an incredible endeavor that spanned three weeks of nonstop work. It has been awful. By this Monday, I went into a sort of emotional freeze. I spent these last two days walking around like a zombie, not talking to my roommates and scowling at everybody while still trying to get stuff done. Today, finally, I got sick, begged an extension for my latest project, and skipped my group meeting.

I slept.

I'm doing ok. I'm not ready to get into my car and drive away to some unknown city yet. The semester is halfway done, and I'm pulling through in each of my classes. I'm not depressed or resentful, I read the Bible a lot, and I eat lots of vegetables.

But, why is my life like this? Why is this so hard? Is this normal? I'm not trying to conquer a country, I'm just trying to graduate and pay for my groceries.

I can't wait until Saturday.

Young

2010-10-16T13:54:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wondered about our fascination with youth and beauty? Models, celebrities, athletes, musicians, actors and the characters that they play. Even if they aren't young now, I would still bet that they had their initial success as an 18, 19, or 21 year old. These are our cultural models, you know? They embody the "us" that we want to be, they live the lives that we want to live. You can't blame me too much if I admit to you that as a high schooler, I had this foreboding sense that if I hadn't found my Destiny by the age of 20, my life was essentially pointless.

Isn't that sick? What do young people know about anything? We listen to love songs, but what does a 21-year-old singer know about deep and long-lasting relationships? We watch movies, but what do 16 and 19-year-old actors know about life? What do even older celebrities know about living meaningfully? I mean, look at the magazines in the check-out aisle. Is that meaningful?

The sad thing is, according to Gordon MacDonald, people who have young success often settle in for a middle-age mediocrity (and perhaps crisis) because they never laid down a strong foundation - education, hard work, building up maturity and relationships and skills - that would keep them going for all the years to come.

Young success was not dropped in my lap, so I guess I have to come up with a new model, anyway. I don't want to fear growing older, because with age comes wisdom and maturity. I want to listen to older people in my life, because they are smart. I want to build a strong foundation now, setting up good rhythms in my life of hard work and meaningful rest, healthy relationships, spiritual maturity, growth and ministry, and managing priorities.

Not an earth-crashing insight, I know, but it was good for me nonetheless.

Link List

2010-10-02T10:32:00.000-04:00

Mechanically separated chicken. In layman's terms, that means "chicken nugget."
Woodward Lightrail Project. Exciting stuff for a public transportation fan!
Detroit Works Project. A website set up to inform and brainstorm about different ways to revitalize the city. It looks pretty cool! And, its interesting to pick out the subtle politicking going on here.
Jon Acuff talks about Christian hip hop!
October is National Velociraptor Awareness Month! Are you ready?

Worth it?

2010-09-23T08:02:00.002-04:00

Degree Payoff is Growing, College Board Says - NYT

Hey guys, good news. College is worth it. Your paycheck will, within 11 years post-graduation, will make up for your tuition and 4 years of not working. Even with the rising cost of tuition. 5.2% last year, but only 2.4% this year (thank goodness).

Probably.

But, did you know that up to $1,000 per year of your student fees may be paying for athletics - and it's rising? But boy, we sure love tailgating here at MSU.

Oh, and hopefully you glanced at the cost of your student meal plan. This year, it is $2,581 per semester, if you get the "economy" plan. The breakdown looks like this:

Breakfast – $5.50
Lunch – $8.75
Dinner – $8.75
Late Night – $8.75

Of course, that high price is to help for the daily sushi bar in the brand-new Brody Square cafeteria. Lucky us. Gotta love that college experience.

(In contrast, right now I spend $60-$70 per month splitting groceries with my roommates - about $270 per semester.)

I'm not very good at math, so I did this on a calculator just to make sure. It looks to me like that's $3,000 per semester, $6,000 per year, and $24,000 over four years (supposing a student stays on campus with a meal plan and actually graduates in four years).

To give it some perspective, that's $6,000 short of a beginning teacher's first-year salary.

One last thing: have I mentioned that I have spent four years studying Spanish here, but I still am not fluent? I'm not the only one, either. 10-15% of teacher candidates from MSU are unable to obtain the "advanced low" rating on the OPI (Oral Proficiency Interview) that is required to become a certified language teacher in Michigan.

(I'm getting much better through practice, but that's no thanks to the Spanish department. Budget cuts, you know.)

The university raised tuition - sure. Inflation, poor economy, less money from downtown. Got it.

Then I look at what they are actually charging money for, and where they spend it. Makes me wonder, is MSU more interested in education, or entertainment?

Lansing for Haiti

2010-09-15T14:27:00.002-04:00

Lansing for Haiti on 6 News from Barefoot Christian Church on Vimeo.

I love it when the church does cool things.

I also like how they actually asked Hatians what they needed...and that the answer wasn't money.

2010-08-30T16:14:00.000-04:00

Does Your Language Shape How You Think?

Kind of cool. Now, how do you think this affects you if you frequently hear/use swear words? Slang? Irregular grammar? If you learn another language? If you are a male instead of a female speaker?

I'll do it later

2010-08-25T18:03:00.000-04:00

I have been learning a lot about time management. I just read a book about organizing, and another about budgeting both money and time. I guess that I got tired of being surprised and overwhelmed. I remember last semester, where I felt that I didn't even have time to breathe in between my classes and other obligations. It was not fun.

One of the things that I have learned about time management is that, surprisingly, now is not always the best time. This isn't about procrastinating and watching TV when you should be doing homework, but about choosing to focus, to prioritize, and practice patience with the things that cannot be taken care of yet.

For example, if I am writing out an email to my professor or reading a chapter that I need to finish, now is not the best time to answer that text from my friend. I may be tired of college and suddenly find a way to graduate early, but now may not really be the best time for me to leave school.

This applies to people, too. Just because I am hanging out with somebody doesn't mean that now is the best time to bring up that I think that the way they act with their boyfriend is inappropriate. Just because I need my dad to look at my car does not mean that I should ask him about it the moment that he walks in the door - I will get better results if I wait until after he's taken his shoes off and relaxed for forty minutes or so.

When you are rushing through each day without a plan, it is difficult to see farther than the end of the week, let alone a semester. You can't be sure that you will remember it at the end of the week, so you better take care of it immediately. It gets things done, sure, but not in the most efficient, most productive way.

But when you are planning ahead one month, a year, three years, you realize that it can be better to let something sit on the back burner for a while and take care of it later, while you focus on doing what is important right now.

But a long view can help you get things done now, too. If your report is due in three days, but you know that you work every night between now and then, you have more motivation to get it done. You better get your laundry done now so that you won't have to do it while your friend is visiting tonight.

Sounds like fun, right?

Bedtime reading

2010-08-24T23:55:00.002-04:00

What is it about 20- somethings?

We need to ask more questions

2010-08-16T21:12:00.000-04:00

How did people keep their hair clean before somebody invented shampoo?
Who said that weddings needed to be color-coordinated?
Do you need to put your produce in those plastic bags at the grocery store?
Should you buy your produce at the same place you buy your t-shirts, laundry detergent and pet hamsters in the first place?
Why should you have to buy a new wardrobe every year?
Does shopping at Walmart save you money in the long run?
Do you need an iPod? Laptop? Television? Facebook?
Air conditioning?
A dryer? A dishwasher? (Most of the world lives without these things)
Why are bananas, a tropical fruit that needs to be imported, the cheapest fruit you can purchase at Kroger?
Are double-income households wealthier and happier (and more equal) than single-income households?
Do you know how much sugar you consume daily? Salt? Chemical preservatives and flavorings? Residual pesticides?
Do you think that your health is unaffected by these things?

Your turn. What else would you add to the list?

School-year goals

2010-08-08T14:25:00.000-04:00

I love goals. And lists. I feel like they keep me sane, because there is no way I could keep everything in order in my head if I didn't have any extra help.

School-year Goals
1. Make a budget. Figure out how much I make, how much I need to save, donate, and spend. Then, when my school bill shows up, or a student loan interest payment, I don't need to freak out, because I will already have been thinking about it for weeks beforehand.

2. Stay in shape. Throughout the year, I have two sizes, summer size and winter size. Goal: stay summer-sized all winter.

3. Practice Spanish. Listen to podcasts, news radio, read books. I'm ready to be fluent already (the fact that I'm still not is a bone I have to pick with the MSU foreign language department). Plus, I have my OPI/SOPI oral exams coming up, and I've heard some scary stuff about them...most people fail at least once. Yikes.

4. Create a schedule. Wake up at the same time every day, and create permanent space for important extras: time to exercise, read my Bible, sleep, eat breakfast and do homework. Then, when the time comes to hang out with friends and live life, I can go along worry-free, because I will already have the basics out of the way.

Notice that becoming overwhelmed, stressed-out, cynical and depressed are not on the list. This is my last year of classes, and I've been ready for this college thing to be over for a while, but I plan to enjoy my last year, too. Yep.

My students!

2010-07-29T15:09:00.000-04:00

http://www.freep.com/article/20100729/NEWS05/7290435/1001/News/Project-captures-kids-imagination

(I just missed fame! I was standing right about

HERE

next to darling Xochil, the girl in the checked shirt)

Of course, this article is an interesting study of selective reporting, but they did say lots of nice things about my students, which was nice.

Sometimes,

2010-07-07T20:50:00.000-04:00

I am not a good person.

Sometimes, your hurt and anger and guilt get all mixed up into one vile knot, and you can't find either end to try and straighten it out. Or, you don't want to, because you strongly suspect that at the bottom of it all, you're the one who was wrong.

Days like these/I've got nothing to sing about.

(Thank goodness the rest of the world is starting to find out about John Mark McMillan.)

Proud to be

2010-07-04T21:13:00.001-04:00

I don't spend my time sitting around dreaming up ways to be disagreeable, I promise.

But the Fourth of July rings hollow for me. Maybe it is because I've spent the last hour flipping through the propaganda that's invaded our television. Maybe it is because I know more unsavory bits of American history than the average person. Maybe it is because I am confronted each day I walk into my inner-city school with the maddening racial and social injustice that affects thousands of "Americans" - thousands of American kids - every day.

I'm proud to be an American? How about, I'm proud to be white, middle class, fully insured and employed? I'm proud of my right to shop without thinking or caring about where my food is grown, how, or by whom, and if those workers are treated fairly? I'm proud of my right to send my kids to a nice school building with lots of AP classes, knowing that only fifteen minutes away, hundreds of students are going to school in a dilapidated building run by overworked, burnt-out teachers, losing the race before they even start?

Don't get me wrong. I love freedom, and I realize what a precious gift it is. Even to have the freedom to decide what I am going to do with my own life - and that it doesn't have to involve getting married or following in my father's footsteps - is not a privilege that most of the world's population throughout history has experienced.

But Americans talk big, and walk a whole lot less.

Philippians 3:20

Stevens T Mason

2010-07-02T15:19:00.001-04:00

If I could pick a favorite historical character of all time, I think it would be Stevens T. Mason.

He was appointed as the Territorial Secretary by Andrew Jackson in place of his dad at 19, even though he was still too young to vote himself (the voting age was 21 at the time). But he had proved himself a more savvy politician than his father anyway (his dad had been reassigned to somewhere down in Mexico).

At the mature age of 22, Jackson appointed him territorial governor, and Mason took it upon himself to lead Michigan to statehood. We fit all of the requirements of population and government, but there was trouble down near Toledo. See, technically, Toledo was supposed to be a part of Michigan, but bad old Ohio claimed it for their own, and they had the political clout to fight for it. See, Toledo was supposed to become the "Next New York," an important port connecting the Great Lakes to the Mississippi. Ha. So we went to war with Ohio in the Toledo War, a bramble not officially endorsed by Mason, but not discouraged, either.

We lost. Jackson fired Mason as territorial governor, but our hero was not deterred - he just ran for election and got himself elected state governor at the age of 24. Even though Michigan was still not a state, and Jackson had already appointed somebody else as governor. But don't worry. Those Michiganians scared that other guy out to Wisconsin, and he didn't bother them much.

The end of the story is, Mason negotiated a deal with Congress that Michigan would give up Toledo for that useless territory known as the western UP. A Michigan congress rejected the proposal, and forfeited their chance forevermore. Mason, undeterred by issues of legality and correct procedure, called a second congress and the deal was approved.

Michigan became a state, Mason became the legal governor, and he embarked upon an internal improvement program, which mixed with an economic depression to lead Michigan into severe economic decline. He gave up his office, moved to New York, tried to establish a law practice but failed, and died of pneumonia at age 31.

He was buried in New York until the 1950s, when Michigan civil leaders moved his remains back to Michigan - but forgot to record exactly where they put him. Oops. But don't worry. They found him again.

The Trick of Bending, Not Breaking

2010-07-01T15:30:00.000-04:00

Breaking: Burning out. Becoming overwhelmed. Allowing fear to direct your decisions. Losing your temper. Giving up.

Bending: Diffusing tension with humor. Separating kids, not confronting them. Asking their opinion, not only sharing your own. Staying calm, even if everything is going crazy. Learning from mistakes, not giving up because of them. Knowing who you are (a person loved by God), so that challenges don't threaten your sense of being.

Garden Tour

2010-06-25T16:35:00.001-04:00

cilantro!

tomatoes

zucchini

eggplant that almost died until I saved it

homemade windchimes. scares away the rabbits, supposedly

Penny. She also enjoys gardening. This is her "are the raspberries ripe yet?" face.

squash

Can't. Wait.

What I learned this week

2010-06-25T15:41:00.002-04:00

I have the best summer job ever.

These kids are HILARIOUS. Just get them going, and you can hear all about your mom and your people and how many burritos you're gonna eat over the weekend. But you know, its ok, because at least I don't smell like a girl. Jacob, is that you? Dude. Lay off the Bath and Body Works. It smells like a garden over here. (overheard teacher-student conversation)

It's not easy. Thanks to firecrackers in the hall, and food fights, and smoking pot outside the school, the eight grade summer class is getting weeded out fast. But I enjoy the challenge, and I'm learning a lot, plus some good insults besides.

Of course, getting beat up or having my tires slashed could change my opinion real quick. But so far, it's awesome.

What I learned today

2010-06-22T15:58:00.003-04:00

First day of school! Summer school, that is. At good old Detroit Public Schools, my summer employer. Sort of.

Enter 8th grade students. Mixed population, black, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Arabic. Bad part of the city. The park next door is gang territory, and a number of the kids in your class are in those gangs. Half of them can beat you up, and the other half can get their boyfriends or brothers to beat you up.

Enter Mr. C, my mentor teacher. Big guy. Mexican. And the first inner-city teacher I have seen keep his kids quiet for a record twenty minutes - without constant reminders - while he is moving both in and out of the room. THIS IS HUGE, PEOPLE. If you can get your kids to listen to you while you aren't even in the room...you got some skills.

So let's learn from Mr. C.

Lesson One: Don't smile. These kids are here because they need to learn, not mess around. Be fair, but you are not their friend. ...This rule is old school, but it'll be worth it when your students take you seriously.

Lesson Two: Establish structure. Lay down the rules straight out, and don't tolerate nonsense. Once your kids know how they are expected to behave and that you are going to enforce it, your job is half done.

Lesson Four: Bluff. Act with confidence, even if you are not confident. If Mr. C tells the students that you speak fluent Spanish, which you don't and he knows it, go along with it. Act like you understand the girls in the corner when they are talking, even if you only caught "es boricua". A serious look is sufficient to get them quiet.

Lesson Three: Voice is important. Girls, we are at a disadvantage. A soft, feminine voice does not command attention. Unfortunately. Speak loudly, clearly, and, if you are a girl, deeply. With authority. Let them know who is in charge. A classroom is not a democracy.

Today, I mostly observed. Tomorrow, I'm going to teach a lesson.

Ah ha ha ha.

On the other hand, my garden is the happy home of seven tomato plants, four zucchini, four butternut squash, and four eggplant, as well as two cucumber and two green bell pepper plants.

alcachofa

2010-06-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

La alcachofa
de tierno corazón
se vistió de guerrero,
erecta, construyó
una pequeña cúpula,
se mantuvo
impermeable
bajo
sus escamas,
a su lado
los vegetales locos
se encresparon,
se hicieron
zarcillos, espadañas,
bulbos conmovedores,
en el subsuelo
durmió la zanahoria
de bigotes rojos,
la viña
resecó los sarmientos
por donde sube el vino,
la col
se dedicó
a probarse faldas,
el orégano
a perfumar el mundo,
y la dulce
alcachofa
allí en el huerto,
vestida de guerrero,
bruñida
como una granada,
orgullosa,
y un día
una con otra
en grandes cestos
de mimbre, caminó
por el mercado
a realizar su sueño:
la milicia.

En hileras
nunca fue tan marcial
como en la feria,
los hombres
entre las legumbres
con sus camisas blancas
eran
mariscales
de las alcachofas,
las filas apretadas,
las voces de comando,
y la detonación
de una caja que cae,
pero
entonces
viene
María
con su cesto,
escoge
una alcachofa,
no le teme,
la examina, la observa
contra la luz como si fuera un huevo,
la compra,
la confunde
en su bolsa
con un par de zapatos,
con un repollo y una
botella
de vinagre
hasta
que entrando a la cocina
la sumerge en la olla.

Así termina
en paz
esta carrera
del vegetal armado
que se llama alcachofa,
luego
escama por escama
desvestimos
la delicia
y comemos
la pacífica pasta
de su corazón verde.

The artichoke
of delicate heart
erect
in its battle-dress, builds
its minimal cupola;
keeps
stark
in its scallop of
scales.
Around it,
demoniac vegetables
bristle their thicknesses,
devise
tendrils and belfries,
the bulb's agitations;
while under the subsoil
the carrot
sleeps sound in its
rusty mustaches.
Runner and filaments
bleach in the vineyards,
whereon rise the vines.
The sedulous cabbage
arranges its petticoats;
oregano
sweetens a world;
and the artichoke
dulcetly there in a gardenplot,
armed for a skirmish,
goes proud
in its pomegranate
burnishes.
Till, on a day,
each by the other,
the artichoke moves
to its dream
of a market place
in the big willow
hoppers:
a battle formation.
Most warlike
of defilades-
with men
in the market stalls,
white shirts
in the soup-greens,
artichoke field marshals,
close-order conclaves,
commands, detonations,
and voices,
a crashing of crate staves.

And
Maria
come
down
with her hamper
to
make trial
of an artichoke:
she reflects, she examines,
she candles them up to the light like an egg,
never flinching;
she bargains,
she tumbles her prize
in a market bag
among shoes and a
cabbage head,
a bottle
of vinegar; is back
in her kitchen.
The artichoke drowns in a pot.

So you have it:
a vegetable, armed,
a profession
(call it an artichoke)
whose end
is millennial.
We taste of that
sweetness,
dismembering scale after scale.
We eat of a halcyon paste:
it is green at the artichoke heart.

Pablo Neruda

the college delusion

2010-05-29T11:31:00.003-04:00

White picket fences are so 1950s, but we still have this idea, 2010-style, of how life is supposed to work: graduate high school, go to the best college you can, graduate in four years, get a job, get a house, get a family. Don't press pause. Don't skip any steps.

We don't stop to think about the debt that we are piling up and how we are going to pay it off, because nobody has warned us that it might be a concern someday. We were told that we are supposed to "follow our dreams - you can be anything you want to be!", and so we believe that we can get a degree in general psych or English or Latin, and somehow, just somehow, that will qualify us for a job. We were warned against taking a year or two off to figure out what exactly we are going to do with our lives, because statistics say that you'll fail for the rest of your life if you do that. So we wasted two years paying top rates for gen ed classes and switching majors while trying to figure it out. We were told college was the stuff, and didn't stop to think that maybe college isn't really the place for us after all. And then we graduate, and can't find a job, and end up enrolling in grad school, trying to make our degree worth something while piling up more debt.

I am grateful that I am not (yet) overwhelmed by student debt (thought I can't say that it's not making me nervous), and I have better prospects than most at getting a job after graduation. But I feel sorry for my ignorant 18-year-old self, jumping into college without a clue of what was going on. I feel sorry for others my age who are graduating into such a dismal reality. And I feel sorry for the new freshmen coming in next year, whose parents are assuring them not to worry about debt, because college will get them a good job. It is an investment. An investment that's going to come back around and smack them in the face in four (or more likely, five or six) years.

I can't say what I would do if I could do college over again, because I don't believe in trying to rewrite the past. I'm not saying that college is not worth it. But I offer this advice to next year's college freshmen: Make a plan. Calculate the cost. Community college is a great place. Work your butt off. Get a useful degree. And, college-themed "success" is a lot of hype. Real success is simpler: family, relationships, living within your means, peace with God. Stuff that you don't get a grade for. Or a bill.

God's timeline is longer than my timeline

2010-05-28T11:02:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I feel as if my life is progressing about as fast as our vegetable garden is growing. Which is at a rate of zero. Because there is nothing planted in it yet. Because I am waiting for my brother to build some garden boxes. With lumber that is still at Home Depot. Because the vehicle that we have with a trailer hitch is in Howell. And we can't get it until Monday, or maybe Tuesday.

Remember Sarah, in Genesis? She probably expected to have a kid at, oh, maybe age 18. 25 tops. By the time that Abraham was 99 and Sarah was 90, they were pretty much over it. Sure, God kept talking about a son, but they couldn't help but laugh. Really, God? It's kind of annoying for you to keep bringing that up. I mean, we're not expecting miracles here. It would have been nice to have a kid, sure, but what's the point in aching over something that is never going to happen? We are trying to be content over here. You know, you've fulfilled all of those other promises about wealth and stuff, which is pretty nice. So how about we forget the kid and descendants and Messiah stuff (what's that all about, anyway?) and call it even?

God says, How old are you again, Sarah? Ninety? Good. I think it may be just about time. Hey Abraham, I am going to use you to bring about a Messiah, but only after 2,000 years of traveling, slavery, nation-building and exile. Church, you should wait expectantly for the Messiah, but 2,010 years is not quite soon enough.

My timeline says, I should be at this place in my life right now. I see my friends reaching that place, I hear others saying that I should be at that place, my idea of life says that I should be at that place, and it drives me crazy that I'm not there.

God's timeline says, Hey Andrea, I'm setting some things in place for events that are going to happen twenty, two hundred, two thousand years from now. You still have a few things to do and learn, so I need you to be patient and go to school for another two years. Ok? Thanks.

We think that now is a good time. God has different ideas.

summertime fun

2010-05-27T11:17:00.001-04:00

It is impossible for me to pass through a summer without a major ailment. Three summers ago, I went crazy and switched schools. Two years ago, I had smelly campers for ten weeks and severe poison ivy for six weeks. Last summer, I was hit by a car in a third world country. This summer, my adventure arrived early: poison ivy again, except this time, all over my legs and arms, because I am a genius and wore my poison-ivy-infected jeans to go try on clothes at Target.

AWESOME.

-issimo

2010-05-25T22:31:00.001-04:00

Learning a second language gives you new perspective on your own language.

For example, in Spanish, if you want to say that you love something, you can say me encanta, which means, "it enchants me!" Wouldn't it be great to be enchanted all of the time?

Or to say that you are married, you say, soy casado/a con..., "I am married with..." Instead of English, which is, "I am married to..." Think about that.

Another thing is that double negatives are encouraged. The more negatives you can pack into a sentence, the better it is. So when you are really annoyed, you can say, No quiero nada de nadie!, "I don't want nothing from nobody!" So cathartic!

Best of all, Spanish-speakers love the diminutive and the superlative. That's when you take a word and you make it very very small or very very big. Only in Spanish, it is better, because you just add a suffix to whatever word you want. For example, you can say, Esa galleta es grandissima!, which means, "That cookie is HUGE!" Or, Te gustaria un cafecito? "Would you like a little cup of coffee?" Which of course, includes croissants and jam and cookies. But just a little cup of coffee, please.

Life in Spanish is always so exciting.

Moving home

2010-05-07T14:32:00.001-04:00

This morning at the ridiculous hour of 7 am (I was illegally parked and afraid of getting a ticket) I packed my last few possessions into the itsy vehicle I inherited from my mom and came home. The house is empty (everyone is working). I've spent a quiet day washing laundry and bedding and carting my stuff up to my old bedroom. (I always think I am so frugal and own so little, until I need to carry it all up the stairs).

I've done this every semester since I graduated from high school. Pack up, move to school, unpack. Pack up, move home, unpack. I've been in college for four years - that's eight times. Plus all of the mini-trips: Christmas and spring breaks, weekends at home, and studying abroad in Ecuador.

Someday, I will live in the same place for more than a year at a time. I will paint the walls, use nails to hang my pictures, and walk without flip-flops in the bathroom. I will plant a garden and set up a clothesline (environmentally friendly!) to dry my clothing. I will park my car in a driveway and use the same address on all of my legal documents. I will have a cabinet for all of my spices, and another for my pans. Life will be so good.

Fail: Remix

2010-04-30T17:46:00.001-04:00

I love my friend Rachel T, who is full of wisdom:

"I am really starting to love it when I fail, because it is God teaching me to be humble - whenever I start thinking that I'm really great, all I have to do is remember this time when I failed and that I'm really not all that awesome, and then it is easy for me to be humble about it."

Fail

2010-04-30T15:18:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I succeed beyond what anybody expects.

Four times when I have succeeded impressively:
- The stories I used to write in elementary school
- My audition for our senior-year drama
- When I earned an A in my general bio course at community college - most of the class got a C or worse.
- Last week, when my history research writing professor (who is also a professional editor and has made students cry) told me that my paper was "very, very, very good - obviously a 4.0."

Other times, I crash face-first into the wall.

Five times when I have felt the hollow stomach-twisting I'm-a-failure can't-breathe feeling:
- My first traffic ticket (on Main Street! My friends' mothers were driving by watching me!)
- When I didn't get the part after my audition for our senior-year drama
- When I was hit by a car in Quito and realized that I could have died, and that I was so, so reckless for almost dying when my mom was so far away.
- That semester after I had left Moody and was taking too many classes at community college while waiting for my acceptance letter to MSU.
- My final presentation for my teacher ed course today

Truth: I don't mind when I fail at something. I know that I tried. I know that I stretched my limits. I know that I was courageous, and that I will do better next time.

Truth: I don't want to be a failure. I don't want people to look at me and say, "Wow, you're a mess. Can't you get it right?" I don't want people to be embarrassed for me. I want people to talk to me, to tell me what I can do better, but also what I am doing well. (Did you notice that I didn't cry? Did you notice that I finished the presentation? Did you notice that I did better the second time? Please tell me that you noticed.)

I can do many things well. I am frequently arrogant. But under all of that, every day, I struggle to smother a persistent sense of failure.

When it comes down to it, I guess I hang on to the promises of God, that he loves me even though I am drowning in failure, that he judges my heart, not how impressive I am to others, and in the end, it is only his opinion that matters.

Superfast

2010-04-19T23:13:00.004-04:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/08/business/global/08rail.html?pagewanted=2&ref=general&src=me

California is researching high-speed railway technology, assisted by China, who has one of the most economical, efficient high-speed railway systems in the world.

So I was thinking, wouldn't it be SWEET if Michigan built a high-speed railway between Grand Rapids, Lansing, and Detroit? Traveling to and from school, commuting into and out of the city, visiting friends on the other side of the state would be a piece of cake. Add a leg up to Traverse City and Mackinac and you could go on weekend wine-tasting excursions. It would be great PR, too. Instead of the endless imagery in the news describing Michigan as an industrial wasteland (actually heard somebody from Iowa say that once - she was surprised that we had so many trees), we'd be on the technological edge of transportation, as far as the US goes.

I am tired of people saying that Michigan is a dump. I'm tired of people hating on Detroit. Ok, sure, it's an economic mess. But Michigan is a beautiful state, with a lot of potential

Things We Can Be Proud Of:

higher education - Michigan State has the best teacher education program in the US, and U of M is frequently compared to Ivy League schools.
tourism - Ever gone camping in the Upper Peninsula? Ever canoed on one of our rivers? Ever hiked through one of our state parks? Did you know that the wine produced in Traverse City is comparable to the wine produced in Italy? Have you ever walked over Sleeping Bear Dunes and gazed out at Lake Michigan at dusk? Beautiful.
history - Detroit is one of the oldest cities in the US (and the only city in the US to have ever been occupied by a foreign aggressor, during the French and Indian War - oops). We annually block off a major road just to show off beautiful classic cars. Warren's factories played a key role in producing the tanks that helped the Allies win WWII. GM, historically one of the largest and most successful companies in the US, was founded in Flint. Because of our proximity to the Canadian border, Michigan was an important stop in the Underground Railroad. And in Battle Creek, we invented breakfast cereal.
commerce and transportation technology - the Detroit-Windsor tunnel is the second busiest crossway between the US and Canada, supporting $13 billion worth of business each year. And though it sucks now, let's not forget how important the auto industry has been in transforming, hey, the entire world.
diversity - Detroit is filled with African Americans. Dearborn has the highest concentration of Middle Eastern immigrants in the US. Italians, Poles, Germans, Dutch, French Canadians, Hmong. I even heard a rumor that there is a handful of Puerto Ricans around here somewhere.
agriculture - sugar beets. cherries. apples. peaches. strawberries. blueberries. fresh-picked sweet corn roasted over the fire and brushed with melted butter. mountains of late summer zucchini sauteed with garlic and sprinkled with Parmesan.

Our state is just as beautiful, just as interesting, just as unique as New York, California, Colorado, Texas. We just need to figure out ways to take what we are good at, invest in it, improve it, and make it work for us. Maybe elect an official or two who isn't a crook.

Ha ha. Piece of cake, right? But one thing I'm pretty sure about is that hating on the place isn't gonna win us anything.

about that title

2010-03-20T12:48:00.004-04:00

I got tired of my bland, pre-packaged design over here, so as you can see, I've trimmed it up. Like it?

I know you are wondering, what is the meaning of that sweet photograph? Why is her thumb bent backwards? Is that yellow line symbolic of the duality of life? Is it a message about crossing thresholds? Is it the thesis of Andrea's life? No. But it does have a story!

That yellow line is the Mitad del Mundo, the Middle of the World. It's in Ecuador (get it? Equator, Ecuador...), where I spent last summer studying abroad.

It is against the rules to go to Ecuador and not visit the Equator. I am a wet blanket, so I was not particularly enthusiastic, but the tourist spirit and the insistence of my host mom prevailed, and my friend Alyse and I scheduled a visit on our last day in the country.

To get the full experience, Alyse and I boarded a train which took us in a circle around the monument that honored Ecuador's great cleverness of being located at 0 degrees latitude. Not only was the train ride fun, it was educational: the voice over the intercom taught us all about North, South, East, and West.

On the Equator, there are mysterious forces, and the laws of physics do not work the way that you expect. For example, this poor girl suddenly found herself bent over by an unanticipated twist in the gravitational force of the earth. I never did find out if she got better.

My thumb hasn't.

And incredibly enough, that's not even the real Equator! The real one is a couple miles down the road. If this is what the fake Equator is like, I bet its nuts at the real one.

We also strolled through an authentic historical pueblo where you could buy authentic Ecuadorian backpacks and eat authentic cuy, an Ecuadorian delicacy which, if you want to taste it, is also available in the pets department of your local supermarket.

Our trip ended with a surprise bus ride to a station we couldn't find on our maps in a shady part of town. After walking a few blocks trying to figure out where in the world we were, we flagged down a taxista who graciously undercharged us for the trip back home - a true gentleman.

There you have it: my thumbs-up to small absurdities.

spring break spring break spring break spring break

2010-03-10T22:42:00.002-05:00

This week, for the first time in months, I have slept soundly every single night. I've even done some homework, cleaned out a few cabinets for my mom, and re-read some old favorites.

Sunday comes too soon.

Sad morning

2010-03-03T10:55:00.002-05:00

I woke up at 2 am this morning because my ceiling was crying.

We keep telling her that its gonna be OK, but she's under a lot of pressure right now and is starting to feel like maybe it is too much for her to handle after all. Maintenance said we should just give her some time.

Answer?

2010-03-01T16:38:00.002-05:00

I learned the other day that another Christian group on campus that I had previously thought was rather small and pathetic (based on my unfair, judgmental opinion of two people I have met from there) is actually pretty "large" and solid - and sponsored by a church.

If there is a large, healthy group on campus that I, who look out for these things, didn't even know about, how many others don't know about any of us?

I think I just defeated my own questions about the validity of IV. It seems like there's more than enough work for whoever wants to step in, perfect ideology or not.

You never woulda known

2010-02-27T14:57:00.002-05:00

I know the "25 Things About Me" fad is long gone, but can I revive it a little, just for today? Please? A little eensy weekend winter-blues-fighting time-wasting list? Please? Ok, good, thanks!

1: I waste time by clicking through slideshows on the NYT website, especially the real estate ones. My favorites are when they take old industrial buildings and turn them into homes. Someday...

2: I love studying the 20th century. It is fascinating how society has changed so much in such a short time.

3: I adore chickpeas.

4: I am convinced that certain electronic devices - TV, my computer, iPods, cellphones, fluorescent lights - suck out my soul. I feel myself dying a little bit every time one gets turned on. I still use them, excessively, but a day that I don't have to turn on my computer is a good day.

5: The "ctrl" key on my keyboard only works half of the time; I frequently replace entire paragraphs with a "c" or "v", and then three or four "z"s as I try to undo what I did.

Why IV?

2010-02-21T15:53:00.011-05:00

In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm a member of InterVarsity.

We've been asking some big questions lately.

Like, why do we exist?

An important question. Vaguely we have decided that our purpose is "mission," but what that looks like is still TBD.

Because last semester's Linguistics 201 taught us to recognize that "mission" and "missionary" come from the same root word, we could decide that we are "missionaries." Then to our dismay, we remember that "mission" and "purpose" are synonyms, and we have fallen into the trap of using the word we were trying to define in the definition. Suck.

But we'll give them a break and assume that they are referring to the Christian "mission" of spreading the kingdom of God - we still need to come up with a concrete purpose. Most missionaries' purpose is to establish churches. Are we trying to establish a church?

No, the answer comes vehemently, we're not. We are dissatisfied in calling ourselves a church because we recognize that IV, with its age-segregated, transient membership is an incomplete church at best.

But still, the technical definition of a church is "a community of believers," in which we would qualify. And we certainly act like a church, holding prayer meetings, Bible studies, large group sessions with music and teaching. I would even say that this is necessary, because as "missionaries" we need the support of a like-minded community to encourage us and support us in the mission, as well as a community into which we can connect new believers.

Nevertheless, since we are a half-church, we say that students still need to connect to some other grown-up church. But our membership in IV prevents us from really investing into those communities (you only have so many hours in a week), so we end up straddling the fence, half in one community, half in another, and probably missing out on both.

I'm not sure if we can justify our own existence. Are we helping or hindering the church? If we are working to reach out to new and young Christians, aren't these young Christians who would benefit from the long-term support of a well-established church family? And if we are working hard to train leaders, aren't these young leaders who could potentially be working in churches and mentored by older leaders? This is talent and enthusiasm that churches are missing out on, and older mentors offer maturity that students need.

But like I said before, I feel like many churches have said to their college students, "See you in four years, try not to do anything too stupid," and in that void organizations like IV do serve an essential purpose, reaching right into the dorms and classrooms to spread the kingdom of God.

I'm just not sure that it is ideal.

Or maybe I'm just annoyed when something doesn't fit neatly into my pre-arranged categories.

Haggai 1:9

2010-02-20T15:43:00.003-05:00

"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" declares the LORD Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house." Haggai 1:9

Have I spent too much of my time working for my own success while neglecting the "house" of God?

Haiti & voodoo

2010-02-19T13:31:00.001-05:00

Interesting article from the NYT.

A game

2010-02-16T09:20:00.000-05:00

We are going to play a game. It is called "leave a comment." It works like this: if you read something interesting, leave a comment. The most comments wins!

Haiti

2010-02-15T12:00:00.000-05:00

Here is their message (via twitter - oh life): Pls RT: Tent City 5k ppl 18°34'52"N, 72°14'41"W Mtg @ 9am no help since quake. NEED food/meds/tents. #haiti @cnn @foxnews @adamhousley

Got that? Five thousand people, no help since the earthquake. All of those commercials with Julia Roberts, and they still haven't received food, water, tents, nothing. All those news reporters, and people still fall through the cracks. In this case, falling through the cracks is a matter of survival.

Where I sit, I don't know what I can do. But maybe if enough people share this around, somebody will see it who eventually can do something.

More links:

Rudy

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/ymath?ref=nf

My freezer is my valentine.

2010-02-14T23:00:00.002-05:00

Table of Contents
1. Frozen stir-fry vegetables
2. Cilanto cubes (recaito, más o menos)
3. Frozen strawberries
4. Frozen blackberries
5. Frozen bananas
6. Frozen blueberries (my roommate's, but they still count)
7. Ice cubes

The Master Plan

2010-02-14T22:50:00.002-05:00

I actually wrote this a while ago, posted it, took it down, edited it, saved it. I'm sharing it now because it is a good description of what's been going on in my head.

About a year and a half ago (really? only a year and a half?) when I decided (admitted) that I still liked God (couldn't get away), I figured out a plan for God to fix my life so that my selfish choices (leaving Bible school, acting hateful) would result in minimal damage to the original plan of becoming Awesome Ministry Girl.

THE PLAN
Step 1: Become a Bible study leader so that I could learn and teach others about the Bible, not as well as I would have at a Bible school, but close as I could manage
Step 2: Become a leader in InterVarsity so that I could get ministry experience.
Step 3: Graduate ASAP so that I could get on with Plan A life after I graduate.

Of course, I had many good reasons for doing these things. But there was always that idea of "fixing my life" in the background.

Oh, but then.

GOD'S PLAN
Step 1: Foil Andrea's every attempt to establish a sustainable Bible study.
Step 2: Orchestrate a zillion coincidences and misunderstandings to ensure that Andrea does not get onto the leadership team.
Step 3: Make it so that Andrea has to take not one, but TWO extra years of school before graduation.
Step 4: Bonus points! Make all of these REALLY AWKWARD AND EMBARRASSING, so that Andrea (and others) can clearly see her real attitudes and motives.

My "news" from Christmas break was going to be that I wanted to go to seminary after graduation, maybe Moody. But yesterday, I suddenly noticed the nice pattern in how my life was not working out according to the plans I had made for God, and I realized, what's the point? I have no idea what is going on. Maybe I never had an idea what was going on, even when I thought I did - Bible school, public university, or any part of it. All I know is that I am here for a year and a half of undergrad classes, and one year of student teaching. I own a Bible (actually, several) and a whole lot of people around me who don't know God. There's more than enough work to keep me busy for two and a half years. And after I graduate, maybe I will go to seminary. Or not.

No te metas a mi Facebook

2010-02-12T17:30:00.002-05:00

I love frozen food.

2010-02-02T11:26:00.001-05:00

As some of you may have heard, there were some exciting goings-on in my corner of the world. Because of this!

Ta-da! Our New Refrigerator. In case you did not know, our old one looked like this:

More or less.The freezer was located inside, which means that your lettuce gets frozen, and your frozen chicken breast melts, and your sorry attempt at frozen bananas actually results in frozen brown mush.

Best of all, you know what this means?

We can buy ice cream!

I love it when housing services finds extra grant money in unexpected corners of the budget.

What else am I supposed to do while listening to episodes of This American Life?

2010-01-16T10:22:00.001-05:00

This is my new project!

I am, essentially, the Crochet Master.

(Please notice that the yellow yarn is official, Vanna White-endorsed yarn. She walks, smiles, and knits! What a lady.)

I've only been crocheting for one full day, and look at what I have already done:

That, my friends, is a scarf made up of all the different stitches I have learned so far. One day, I will make a scarf with a single consistent stitch. It will be a great day.

So what about communion?

2010-01-08T16:40:00.003-05:00

"A puny piece of bread and a tiny sip of wine (or grape juice) seem so simple and ordinary and childlike. In a way [this is] right: it is so simple and ordinary and childlike. But isn't that so like Jesus? He abolishes our Gnostic elitism and arrogance and creation revulsion...God finds me and works within my life in ordinary places with ordinary people who belong to an ordinary community. Jesus is here, right now, in the ordinary stuff of life: bread and wine, this community of people, this pastor's flawed hands and words." (Matt Woodley, The Folly of Prayer, p 34)

...and the thoughts of a friend after reading Leviticus 17:10-14: "So when Jesus told the disciples, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you." (Luke 22:20), they were probably thinking, "Hey, Jesus? This isn't exactly kosher."

We could just take communion because "God says so." But go ahead, ask the question: why? Why does Jesus have to talk as if he were teaching his followers cannibalism? The rules of kosher and non-kosher, clean and unclean, were taught to his Jewish disciples right along with how to speak and how to tie their sandal straps - it was a part of them. And right in the middle of those laws about eating blood is the statement, "...for the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one's life"! Imagine the held breath, the astonished silence, their minds working to solve the puzzle, to connect the dots. No doubt they recognized the incredible depth of meaning behind Jesus' action, even if they did not fully understand it yet.

And, why do we need to "do this in remembrance of him"? Because every day of our lives, even if you are already Christian and "prayed the prayer" years ago, we need God to redeem, to make good our mess, our broken relationships, our broken selves, our broken world every single day, and every single day we need to be reminded of all that he has already done, and how he has used ordinary tools to accomplish extraordinary feats.

Cool, huh?

So much

2010-01-08T02:37:00.000-05:00

Wow. It has been a FULL three weeks. Christmas, Urbana, Florida. I have a lot of new thoughts to share with you all, as well as some news. But it is late. For now, I'll leave you with this thought:

"If a man's hair falls out from his head, he is bald; he is clean. And if a man's hair falls out from his forehead, he has baldness of the forehead; he is clean.
(Lev 13:40-41)

That's right Moses, say it like it is, uh-huh.

Joyful Noise - FLAME, Lecrae, John Reilly

2009-12-26T23:54:00.000-05:00

Do I really listen to Christian rap? Yes, yes I do. It is one of the side effects of learning that the whole world is not a big white suburb.

Wish List

2009-12-24T23:09:00.003-05:00

When I was little and still believed in Santa Claus, I used to make two Christmas lists. One a list of gifts that I wanted. The other was a "wish list." It looked like this:

WISH LIST
Dear Santa, I know that I already asked you for kindof alot of things, but these are some other wishes that I have.
1. that my bruthers will stop annoying me
2. that my pet hamster Peanut will get better.
3. that I won't have to wash the dishes anymore.
4. that I will become a ballerina.

Talk about passive, huh? But it is a lot easier being passive and just letting things happen, waiting for them to happen to us, instead of taking the initiative to actually do something. Especially when you are a kid and can' really see how you affect those around you.

But I'm not a kid anymore.

I want to pursue what is worth pursuing.